Motives

There's a phrase that it seems I use quite a lot: "Check your motives."

I tell it to other people, and most often, I tell it to myself. But I've been thinking about motives more lately, and not only what I think about them, but what God thinks about them. There are many references to a "pure heart" and other related terms in the Bible, including Hebrews 10:22 which encourages, "..let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith..." (NIV).

Now, I don't mean to say that the ideas I'm considering are the full (or even necessarily "correct") understanding of this verse, but it did catch my attention that we're instructed to draw near with a sincere heart. Not just draw near.

I have to wonder if the results and outcomes matter nearly as much as our intentions. If we get it wrong, but try for truly the right reasons, how does God see that? Now, my thought is that He probably views it quite kindly. I will add to this, however, a warning. Speaking only for myself, I know I have the capacity to convince myself that my reasons are "right," when, really, they're self-motivated. I want to tell someone they hurt me, and I position it as holding them accountable... and, in certain circumstances, this may very well be the case... but in others, my outward action may look identical, but my heart in it is self-serving.

I think that God knows us from the inside out. So what is happening within us has got to be at least as important as what is happening around us. I am praying today for a clean heart and clean hands. I want my only motives to be honoring His name and doing His will. I can only do it with His help, but He is faithful in all things!

Quiet

So, about a month ago, our church began a 40 day journey - one that we, as a church, undertake periodically. I'm grateful for that fact; it's been a blessing to me personally, and I'm -because of the sheer power of prayer - many others. Along with the 40 days of 24/7 prayer, it was suggested to us that we consider fasting during the 40 day period. I prayed about the fast, and felt led to fast television.

I'll admit; this seemed a little funny to me, because I didn't think I watched that much TV. And, 35 days or so into the 40 days, I still don't think I watch much TV. That said, I think I understand some more things about His purpose in this leading.

Initially, I suspected that He wanted me to lean on Him for relaxation. I don't have cable, and the only TV I do watch is through free online sites. There are 3 or 4 shows I like to keep up on, but I don't feel particularly attached to them in any deep way. But, I do use them to relax. Often, when I get home at the end of the day, I pull out the laptop and put on a show... just as a sort of half-engaging background to the time of winding down at the end of my day.

I thought, "God wants me to let Him be my source for relaxation as well. Okay, great." Well, I think that was "kind of" the point. I certainly don't think that God has anything against a bubble bath, a quiet book or even a movie as a mode of relaxation. Quite the contrary; I think He probably gave us all these wonderful opportunities to relax just to help us out and give us pleasure!

Here is what I am realizing about my own life, though. In the time since I started my TV fast, I've noticed that I listen to a LOT more radio. If I'm home, and not on the phone, it's pretty much a sure bet that I have the radio going - usually public talk radio... voices. I also often have Facebook or Twitter pulled up. I am a child of my era - always ready for the mass inundation of communication from the world around me.

But, you know who I don't hear then? God.

I think God has helped me to see that I almost constantly have some sort of "noise" around me. I spend some true "quiet time" with the Lord each morning, but that is definitely intentional and certainly requires some discipline. For some reason, I seem so ready to fill the quiet spaces in life. In fact, I've noticed that the only times I go out of my way to turn off all those sources of input are when my head feels overwhelmed and my thoughts are racing. It seems the noise inside my head is sometimes enough. :)

So, I'm not sure what the take-away is quite yet. I tend to think that awareness often creates the action needed, and that may be simply that. But I can say that... for myself, I am certainly considering the space I create (or don't) for silence in my every day. How about you?

Check Your Motives

So, I have this dog... well, I have two dogs actually. One, named Chloe, I bought from a reputable breeder and have had since she left their loving home. My other dog is a wild Mini Australian Shepherd named Coda. Coda was taken away from his mother way too early, and then lived a very chaotic and borderline abusive situation for the first couple months of his life. Then, he came to live with me.

From the beginning, Coda has been a challenge. He has 10x the energy (at least!) of my other dog, and lots and lots of neurotic tendencies. His separation anxiety and other neuroses are readily evident, and often remind me of his rough start in life. Even though it's been more than three years since he came to live with me, and even though I raised him from a puppy, those first few months of life still show their marks on him with some frequency.

I'd be lying if I pretended that he didn't try my patience. He does. Much more frequently than my other dog. However, I would also be doing him a disservice if I didn't also let you know that, really, he is a very, very good dog. He has a very strong desire to please me, and he is as smart as can be. His intentions are good. I am pretty sure that, if I could get inside his head, it'd sound a lot like this: "Please mommy. Love mommy. Be by mommy. Don't make mommy mad. Get snacks. Please mommy. Love mommy. Be by mommy. Don't make mommy mad. Get snacks" and again and again and again.... Most the time, he does do pretty darn well. But, sometimes, his old wounds show up in ways that annoy me to death! He can be extra clingy, and sometimes I just need him to *not* be touching me.

That said, sometimes I tell him to "go lay down" (which basically translates to "leave me alone for a little bit") and he just can't seem to restrain himself. Within a moment, he is back by my sad, hoping for some reassurance. And do you know what happens then?

Although he sometimes isn't doing what I've asked, it is because of circumstances beyond his control. It's because of his start in life, and I believe that in whatever way a dog can, he is sincerely trying to fight off his impulses to follow my direction. Sometimes, however, he just can't seem to help himself.

Well, this is where I get to my point (I know you were wondering what could have possessed me to go on and on about my dog!). I think I see a parallel between Coda and myself. I so badly want to do God's will. I so long to follow His direction, and act in exactly the way He'd have me act. But, sometimes, I don't do that perfectly. Sometimes, I don't even do it well. And then what?

I admit that sometimes I am tempted to think that God is angrily watching me in frustration. As if He might be thinking, "Look, Marina! Stop messing up! Get it right already, will ya?!?" But, c'mon... Think of the principle in Luke 11:13. That verse is Jesus saying, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13 (NIV).

So, yeah, when Coda does something that isn't quite right, I don't sit stewing in anger and frustration. I appreciate that he really is trying, and I appreciate his desire to obey. And I love him. Sometimes I discipline him, yes, but I also love him. And if I can do this for my dog, how much more grace and kindness and compassion and mercy must the God of all the Heavens have on me, His precious child!!!

I don't know if you will find this kind of metaphor or parallel helpful... but if you do, I bet there are a million places in your own life - with your friends, or your spouse or you kids, or even your pets where you demonstrate gracious and patient love. Remember that He gives us this and so much more every time we need it. Praise God!

Guidance of the Lord

So, let me ask you this: How good do you think the Lord is at guiding you? I mean, really, is it pretty good? flawless? or kind of hit-and-miss?

Why am I asking? Are you offended by the question? Well, let me explain...

I talked yesterday with a good friend, and our conversation turned toward the very topic about which I'm writing today. Then, less than 4 hours later, I heard a teaching that included the exact same ideas my friend & I had been discussing. Our conversation had already stimulated me, and started my wheels turning... but when a key concept (or verse) comes up multiple times in close succession like that, I tend to think it might just be God wanting to make sure He got my attention.

So, let me get to the point. The pastor speaking last night posed the question this way: Which do you trust more? Your ability to hear God, or His ability to lead you, even when you're deaf and blind?

Not sure exactly what that means?

Well, my friend & I were discussing in this context. I think it's a reasonable statement to say that Satan does not want us to be effectively working toward Kingdom purposes. He doesn't want us walking in victory over our strongholds, and he most certainly does NOT want us living as witnesses to God's kindness, faithfulness, mercy and grace. In short order, he wants to keep us from bringing glory to God. He wants us frozen in fear, mired in confusion and/or ineffective in whatever way he can get.

This may not be true for your life, but I know that in my life, I find a great "in" for the lies of the enemy is through something that, on its face, appears to be obedient or rightly motivated, but when I look beneath the surface, some of those things are really rooted in the psychology of the world, and ultimately, founded on a fearful ground. (More on motivations tomorrow, I think... for now, I'm going to try to stay focused....)

One such in is my desire to hear God's word and live His will out in my life. I pray diligently for His will to be done, and His kingdom to come in me, through me and with my help. I want to be involved in what He is doing, and pursuing the things He prioritizes for my life. I really do. And those desires are good and right and pure.

However, sometimes, I can get so caught up in trying to hear that I find myself a little frozen, or stuck. Rather than stepping out on faith, I am sitting still as a stone, waiting to be certain I know what He wants me to do. Now, I certainly do not mean to come out against waiting for ultimate knowing and confirmation from the Lord. Absolutely not.

What I do mean to say, however, is that there may be times in our lives when we work against the purposes of God simply because we don't really trust Him to be able to guide us. Instead of stepping out in the direction we think is best, and putting ourselves 100% into His plan, we stall. And why? Well, I know that, for me, the answer is often that I don't want to do the wrong thing! I want to do what He desires me to do!

But, let me ask this... if my heart is true, and my intention truly to follow His will, if I step out - even before I completely understand the entire plan - is that foolishness? Or is it stepping out in faith?

Please know that I don't pose these questions thinking that there is a simple answer, or an answer that applies across the board. I mean only to suggest that there are questions that I know I need to keep in mind. The potential answers are things that have derailed me before.

So, back to the question my pastor posed. Which do I trust more? My ability to hear (i.e. I refuse to do the thing I *think* is okay, because I haven't yet heard Him give me the full explanation?) or do I trust His ability to keep me on the right path? Do I trust His ability to guide my steps even more than my perfectly good desire to hear confirmation from Him.

I think there is much more discussion and thought to be put into these ideas. I suspect they'll resurface here soon. For now, however, I think it is good to consider what motivates our waiting: a desire to do things His way, or a desire to hear about His way in my way? And, last of all, a reminder: His way is often not comfortable! I do wonder how my own desire for comfort plays into this whole idea... food for thought!

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Psalms 31:3 (NIV)

Favor

I read something the other day that has been percolating around in my mind since. It was a devotional that talked about the challenge of believing in God's faithfulness and goodness in the midst of testing and seasons of trial.

The author also brought forth the idea of believing not only in strength to persevere, but also in the Lord's blessing and favor in these same difficult times. It reminded me of a verse I have had many occasions to love:

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless" Psalms 84:11 (NIV).

He bestows favor and honor. Let that soak in, if you will... favor and honor. He bestows favor. He bestows honor on me. On you. No good thing does He withhold.

I don't know about you, but there are days where, in the midst of my human experience, that feels very, very difficult to believe. I think that, on an even more fundamental level, that can be incredibly difficult even to comprehend. I mean, really. He is the provider of life and light (a sun) and my barrier of protection. And, on top of all that provision, He provides favor for us.

The Hebrew word that is translated here as "favor" implies beauty and kindness in favor. It implies undeserved and unexpected grace and generosity. I know there are times in which I find it very difficult to see the evidence of grace and generosity in my life. But I think it' the challenge of faith to believe Him for its presence regardless. What is more, I think it's a discipline of faith to pray thanks to Him for the coming favor He has promised to bring. Hang in there. He is faithful indeed.

Plans, Plans & More Plans

The Bible has a LOT to say about God's plans for us... as well as some excellent advice about how we're to go about making and pursuing plans in our lives. But there was a verse that caught my attention today:

"However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him'" 1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV).

I was praying this morning about my life today, and how different it is from where I once was. God has been incredibly kind and generous with me. His sweetness and mercy show in a million places all over the landscape of my life. I'm very blessed. I am in this wonderful place where I feel like the Lord is starting to reveal some of His plans for me, and some of those that have been previously revealed are coming to be my present reality. It's so fun!

I am pretty sure that He knows that I have a hard time adjusting to certain things, so a lot of time, He is gracious enough to give me a sort of "heads up" so I know where He's taking me! Don't get me wrong; there's a lot unknown, and the timing is almost always very, very unknown... but sometimes He shows me the path we're on. The trick, I find, is to just make sure to let Him lead. :)

What I'm starting to realize more and more is that, His plans are always good. Over time, I've even gotten to a place in which I find myself to be SO excited for what He has planned next.

Okay, I'm going to warn you. I'm about to make what may be the cheesiest statement on this blog to date. I know, I know, but seriously, it's genuine. So, here it is.

I feel a little bit like life is just this giant gift, and each day is opening the wrapping just a little bit more and more. There are new surprises, new delights. Sometimes there's a paper cut. Sometimes there's a remarkably sweet find. But it is always good. Because HE is good.

I do a lot of guessing; I admit it. And I still can't seem to keep myself from trying to have input from time to time... but, I am glad to rest in the assurance that His plans are beyond what I can even imagine! I have found that He doesn't always give me what I want; but He always gives me what I need. And from my own personal experience, I can truly say that when I get what I need, it is always better than what I thought I wanted in the first place.

Learning to Ride a Bicycle Built for Two

Life with the Lord, for me, has been a lot like riding a tandem bicycle. It's a metaphor I heard once, and it couldn't be more true. Allow me to share with you about my journey. I hope you find it a blessing.

I started out by simply allowing Him to sit on the back seat of the bike. I had this bike, and for some unknown reason, it did seem to have an empty seat. And I kept hearing about how much He wanted to tag along. So, I let Him. Sort of.

I still struggled to hold onto my map while also steering and peddling. Rushing through the paths and roadways of life, sometimes it was very difficult to see which turn to take - let alone to keep that darn bike moving. Every now and then, on a particularly hard day, I'd lean back just far enough to give the silent signal that I needed some help. At first, all I was comfortable with was letting Him reach up and just put His hand on my shoulder, a little pat on the back. It helped.

Over time, I learned to trust Him more. He is there, each and every day, ready to ride. He seems thoroughly delighted just to be in on the trek. Eventually, I started to share with Him more. I'd talk about the plans I had, the places I was trying to get to, and even the courses I'd been plotting in my head for years. Sometimes, I even asked Him what He thought. For a long time, though, I didn't ever really listen for the answer.

After awhile, the inevitable thing would happen - again and again. I'd hit a dead end. The course I'd plotted would run into a brick wall out of no where. I'd often muster up a new round of courage and just start peddling again. Re-plotting my course. Finally, I started asking Him for input about how to get to my planned destinations. I even started listening to His answers. One day, something inside me shifted, and I had a new thought; I asked Him, for the first time, about where He thought I should be heading. Then, He answered me. And I asked Him how to get there. A lot of the destinations on His list where places I'd never even heard of. I knew I wouldn't be able to find them on my own.

One day, I noticed something else... I was peddling, peddling, peddling - each and every day. And when I got tired, I'd just hop off the bike and sit down. Well, one day, I started to get weary, and rather than stopping the bike, I just lifted up my feet for a moment. What I had been afraid to hope for happened: the bike kept moving. God was peddling. We moved faster than ever. And, although I don't know how He does it, He never seems to get tired. In fact, the less I peddled, and the more I let Him do the peddling, the better I felt, and the more pleased He seemed. And I know He has a special version of the map, because we ran into fewer and fewer dead ends.

In more recent years, I've had a new revelation in my bike ride. One day, as we got up and started to mount the bike, I did something I'd never done before. I climbed onto the back seat. He looked at me and smiled. I nodded. "Yeah," I said in acknowledgment of the decision I was making. "Please, get on." He sat in His rightful seat for the first time.

I'd be lying if I said this was an easy transition for me. It's scary in the backseat. I can't see where we're going much of the time, and I am constantly challenged to just trust Him. He is still doing most of the peddling, and almost all the navigating (although I do pipe in from time to time to make some suggestions!). I still give input on destinations sometimes, but I've found I'm getting more and more comfortable just letting Him decide.

With all these changes, I asked Him one day, "With You doing all the hard work - the planning, the peddling and even the navigation of the bumps in the road, what do you want me to do?" His answer? He wanted me to talk to Him. He wanted to get to know my heart more, and to listen. He just wanted me to work on our friendship. So, I've been doing that.

Here are some things I've learned...

He knows the best ways to go. When I let Him drive, even without any input from me, we get to the best spots. And we seem to get there with very little interference. The roadway is smoother, the weather is nicer and the path more straight.

He doesn't mind peddling. He is tireless. He's always ready to get us moving, and seems to be quite happy to put the power into our ride each and every day.

He enjoys being with me. I can't explain it, but I can just tell. He seems to love it. And, I admit, I can't always put into words the "why," but I love it too.

I am free to enjoy the ride. A lot of what we talk about these days is the journey itself. Where we're going, what it will be like when we get there, and specifics of the timeline have become less important parts of our conversation. I like to talk about the view from the road, the amazing sunsets we get to watch and the fragrances of flowers in the air. Again, I can't quite put words to it, but He seems delighted to share with me in simply appreciating the journey He's plotted. And I find that the more time I spend looking around and soaking up the specific moments on the path, the more I enjoy them.

Today is very different from those early days. Back then, I felt I was on a biking mission, and just so happened to have a tag-along I tolerated on the back seat. Today, it feels like His bike, and I am grateful that the trip is almost always in His hands. Some days, I admit, habit and fear get the best of me, and I try to wake up early and sneak out to steal thes pot in the front seat. When I do that, He just climbs on back and pats me encouragingly from behind. He never seems offended; it's amazing. What invariably happens is that it doesn't take long for me to ram us straight into our first road-block. A downed tree, a dead end, or a place where the road simply becomes impassable. I am so thankful that, most days, I finally "get it" at this point and I invite Him to sit in front again. He's so patient. And I am always happier in the backseat.

Sometimes, as I am learning to settle into the sweet spot of the seat I once thought was the lesser of the two, I just soak in the beauty of our ride together. It really is lovely. And the Lord is so kind. He always leans far enough back in the seat that I can reach Him. I find that knowing I can always reach Him brings me peace. Some days prove to be harder than others - feelings come up I didn't realize I had. Some days are just filled with overwhelming gratitude and joy. But whichever tidal wave of emotion comes my way, I like to just lean forward and lay my head across His shoulders. It's a safe and sweet place to be. His steering is just as steady; he doesn't even slow down in His tireless peddling. He isn't burdened by the weight of my worries at all. It's amazing.

And you know the most amazing part? When I lean on Him, I feel His love. And His love is palpable, powerful, tangible and real. And, in those moments, no matter what has weighed me down just minutes before, I feel free. I feel alive and alert and whole in a way I never dreamed was possible before. Before Him. My, my... what did I do before Him? How did I ever survive?
You know, as I ask that, it's a little funny to me, but I almost wonder if there ever was a life before Him? I mean, I know He wasn't always on my bike, but He has been with me forever. Somehow I know that.

What matters most for me today is that He is here now. And I know He's never going away. This decades-long lesson of learning to ride His bike hasn't been easy, and I know I still throw a lot of sticks into the spokes... but it has been more worth it than I could ever put to words. I have a place I am going now, and I have a good way to get there. I'm not usually sure of a lot of the particulars, but I have no need to worry. He has it all figured out. And I am resting on His back, letting Him drive.

Thank You, Lord, for letting me tag along!

What He Knows

I had a new spin on an old thought today.

John 10:10 tells us that, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..." (NIV).

James 2:19 reminds us that even the demons know that there is one God, and they shudder.

Listen, Satan is not our friend; he is not only "kind of" against us. He hates us. And he comes ONLY to steal, kill and destroy. Not someone I want to go easy on. In addition, though, I need to remember that he also knows the one true God. He knows that "the one who is in you in greater than the one who is in the world" 1 John 4:4b (NIV). And I think it's safe to assume that he plans his strategies accordingly.

If I were trying to defeat someone that, in Christ, I knew had the ability to live in victory every day, to walk victorious in the face of against each and every attack, if only they had faith in the true power of God (see Ephesians 1:19-20), I would start at the base level by trying to degrade, destroy and remove their foundation - that faith in God.

Remember, we are fighting a war. A real one. I heard someone say just tonight, "This is a life and death fight." Amen. The keeper of the darkness is out to steal your peace, out to destroy your hope and out to kill your faith. He will start by seeing if he can convince you that the word is a lie, and if he can convince you that your strongholds, your weaknesses, your imperfections and your human failings are without hope for recovery, and without hope for redemption, he has done so.

Do not let him win. Do not hand over your life to him. To the victor go the spoils, and if you surrender the victory in your life to the evil one, there are countless opportunities for glorifying God that may never come to pass. The rest of that verse, John 10:10, tells us that Jesus came so that we could have life - and have it in abundance. Soak in the Word. Stay close to Him. Pray for more belief. Live the life of abundance He intended for you, the one He gave His life to create. Then sing His praises from the treetops. Never let the enemy win. Trust in God. He will NOT fail you.

Fussy

As I sat down to start working on today's post, I felt like I was drawing a blank. "I don't know," I thought, "I'm not in a good mood. I'm tired, and my computer is acting up. I don't know what to write about." This attitude is what my old roommate used to refer to as being "fussy." Yeah, I was feeling kinda fussy. But, as things seem to often go, that got my mind started down a path... What, I wondered, did the Word have to add to this day? Am I supposed to just sit through it and let this day pass, crossing my fingers to wake up feeling better tomorrow?

Nah, I don't think so....

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:28-32 (NIV).

I was acting like I didn't know; I was feeling like I hadn't heard. But (praise be), He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Ah... Everlasting God, how good You are!

It may sound silly (and, really, it is in its own way), but I have to remind myself quite frequently to lean on Him for my strength, for my energy. And, when I turn to Him, when I release myself from the captivity of trying to be my own source, He is always there. And He is always willing. And what's more is that He isn't just sitting there, begrudgingly agreeing to help me because, you know, it's in His contract or something. He loves us. He died to prove it. And the word reminds me that, even when I have days like today, days in which I've failed to turn to Him from the start and find myself tired... even on those days, He is there and ready to embrace me when I turn to Him.

A quick search of the Psalms helped supply a few things I know that I need help remembering...

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble... (Psalm 9:9)

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer... (Psalm 18:2)

He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him... (Psalm 18:30)

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge... (Psalm 91:4)

And those are just a tiny sampling! Remember, He lifts us up! He is the only way to walk through this life - not crawl and struggle! How grateful I am for His goodness and faithful Love! And, glad, too, for the "fussy" mood that helped serve as a reminder!




P.S. This is my 100th post! That's crazy to me! :)

Authenticity in Relationship

I was thinking today about how important it is, and what a blessing it can be to share in real, authentic and self-revealing relationships with others in the body of Christ.

I've had the blessing recently to get to know a few key friends better, and with more depth - and let me tell you, it has been rich with blessing and grace! One friend & I have dubbed it our "blessing circle". The reason for the name is that one of us will feel blessed by the other, and then as we share about the experiences in our life that have helped create the opportunity for the specific blessing, the other seems to receive some sort of special word or encouragement. It just keeps going, around and around. Seriously, it's awesome!

I know it may not sound all that "awesome" to someone not caught in the circle, but as I was reflecting on some of my similar experiences lately, it just hit home to my heart how important it is to not only have friends, but to also have friends with which we really share the depths of our hearts. It's only when I let others truly know me that I seem to open up the opportunity for them to share theirs with me, and also create the perpetual opportunities to receive new and unexpected blessings.

There's a real value in sharing with people in a real way. And I know, it can be scary - really scary! I can say honestly, however, that when I step it up and take the first leap of faith, others almost always open up to meet me where I've gone. It's wonderful. Once again, this isn't a day for some profound revelation. I'm just wanting to share that I've been incredibly blessed anew lately simply by being willing to open up that little bit extra, in the way that may seems a little uncomfortable. I invite you to consider that for whatever it may be worth to you. You never know when a new unexpected gift may come your way!

"What are you doing down on your face?"

I was reading in Joshua tonight... The Lord's calling of and promises to Joshua at the beginning of the book have meant much to me for several years now (Joshua 1:5 is one of my favorites...), but I came across another passage tonight in which I found (somewhat ironic) encouragement.

After Joshua had taken the reins of leadership for the Israelites, he led them across the miraculous crossing of the Jordan. At Gilgal, he builds a memorial and tribute to the Lord's actions. Then he leads the Israelites in the amazing taking of Jericho. The people in Jericho - before the Israelites even arrive - are said to "melt with fear" (NIV) because they know the God of the Israelites is the "God in heaven above and on the earth below" (Joshua 2:11b, NIV).

Then, of course, they take Jericho, breaking down its fortified walls with marching, horns and shouts. Not too shabby...

Soon after, the Israelites run into a snag. One of their number takes things he isn't supposed to from Jericho, and God is angry. The Bible tells us that about 3,000 men were sent to fight the people of Ai. They're routed by the men of Ai, 36 of the Israelites are killed and the rest run away in fear. So, what does Joshua, esteemed leader coming off of miraculous triumph after triumph do? He tears his clothes, falls face down on the ground and remains there until evening (see 7:6). At first, I thought he was repenting for whatever sin one of his "flock" had committed. But, then, this is what the next verse tells us: "And Joshua said, "Ah, Sovereign Lord, why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us? If only we had been content to stay on the other side of the Jordan!" Joshua 7:7 (NIV).

Okay, am I the only one who is struck by this? Not only does his heart immediately begin to doubt God's providence and commitment to his people in their current battles, he also immediately jumps backward and tries to give back the land and inheritance promised to the Israelites generations ago!

Now, I know my tone here is a little sardonic; it's for effect, I admit. But the truth is, wow! I mean, c'mon! Joshua didn't just have a small falter in his heart; rather, he takes almost a 180 degree turn and is ready to run back across the Jordan!

For reasons that I hope are obvious by now, this brought great encouragement to my heart! I am so easily brought into a moment of doubt. Just tonight, a brief statement stabbed at my resolve to continue believing God for His promises in the midst of recent testing and fear. It takes just a slight turn of phrase sometimes! Amazing!

I take great courage. If Joshua, the Lord's hand-picked replacement for the great Moses can falter so easily, then maybe I don't need to be quite so hard on myself when I have the same trips and stumbles in my belief and trust. Maybe. Just maybe.

Now, before I wrap up, I want to also point out what may be my favorite part of this whole story. After Joshua falls down in his doubtful pleas, guess what God does? This is His response to Joshua:

"The Lord said to Joshua, 'Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?'" Joshua 7:10 (NIV).

He goes onto explain to Joshua that someone in the Israel camp has betrayed Him. He gives further instruction about remedying the situation and so on and so forth. What I love about this though is that although I could read into this a tone of almost exasperation (which is one possibility), I can't help but notice that exasperated or not, He goes on to tell Joshua how to get set right again.

I don't mean to be judgmental, but if anyone had a lot of "chances," it was ancient Israel. They saw amazing things, and they failed and they doubted and they repented, and they went through the whole cycle again. There were consequences; punishments and outcomes handed down by a just God, but nonetheless, He loved them. AND, He led them into the promised land. This last part is of special significance to me tonight.

I have learned (I think) to believe (most days) that God loves me no matter what I do. I am fortunate enough to attend a church where we are reminded by our pastors on a regular basis that God loves us, and there's nothing we can do about it. Where the lies of the enemy sometimes find a crack in my shield is in a subtlety. I do worry sometimes that, although He may love me, might He withhold from me the things He's promised to me just because I screw up sometimes?

Only God can finally answer exactly what the path of my life will look like, but I know that His word assures me that I am forgiven and fully redeemed in Jesus Christ. I may mess up, but like Joshua, He will chastise me, teach me to walk a straighter path, and then He'll continue to take me to the places He's promised we will go. This is a good God we serve; I am grateful for the honor.

Purposeful Accomplishments

I read a couple short devotionals each morning. Most times they are a great start to my day and provide ideas to consider throughout the day. This morning, however, when I read the verse referenced by one of them, I had one of those "stop the presses" moments. I knew at 6:20 this morning that I was meant to meditate on and then write about this verse today:

"So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it" Isaiah 55:11 (AMP).

This far into today, I haven't had any great revelation about this verse. But... I do find it to be such an encouragement! I don't know about you, but I am so prone to thinking that it's up to me to accomplish that which God wants done. It's one of the lessons I feel like I'm *finally* starting to learn: how to let Him be my strength from the beginning of each day (not only when I've reached the end of my abilities!).

This verse reminds me that it's not up to only me! Yes, sometimes, my compliance is required, and often its helpful, but His word accomplishes that which He pleases. It does the things He sent it to do! *phew* Even I - in all my ridiculous arrogance - can't get in its way!

I wrote a couple days ago about the wonderful reminder I had that the Bible is alive and active and that it has power of its own. This word just reinforced that for me. I feel like the Lord is reminding me that I can let go of the fear that I tend to keep grasped in my hands. It's fear that says, "If I'm not careful, I'll ruin whatever it is God is trying to do." When I type it out in black and white, it sounds like such pride, but pride or other wise, I do feel that way sometimes. (Plus, it's not like I didn't know that I have a character defect or two (or 1,000) to work on!)

This verse also reminds me to stay willing and to keep my eyes open! God's word is not just alive and active in some amoeba-like piddly way. For me, it puts a new spin on the concept to think of it charging out into the world accomplishing specific tasks! It's not just a little fleck fluttering inside my heart; it's got real muscle! If I am not seeing that in my life, it may be because I'm not watching very closely.

Lastly, this applies for me in the area of enemy attacks about which I've been writing recently. I often am buoyed up in a dramatic way simply being reminded of the promises of God. He is faithful, and He is loving and just. And it's good for me to remember that His promises aren't just platitudes. They are His effective, accomplishing and purposeful word. I can stand on that.

Thank You, Lord, for Your incredible kindness to us! I cannot do it without You! Your love amazes me!

"Blessed Are the Peacemakers"

Okay, well, I'm not feeling anything very profound coming on today... but this is what came to me when I prayed about what to use for a topic:

"Blessed are the peacemakers..." Matthew 5:9a (NIV).

Beth Moore astutely pointed out in one of her teachings that it's the peacemakers who are blessed... not the peacekeepers. In truth, she may have being just a tiny bit cheeky anyway...but, I do think it's a good point!

There is a big difference between working toward peace, and just avoiding rocking the boat. And this I can attest to from first hand experience.

Rather than go into some long exposition, I feel led to just leave it at that. I will encourage you to do what I plan to do today: think about the areas in my life in which I am a peacekeeper as well as the areas of my life in which I am or could be a peacemaker. What does the Spirit bring to you in those thoughts? I'd love to know!

Taking Captive my Thoughts

So, I'm learning something new these days: I am not generally a fan of being disciplined.

I'd rather stay up late talking or watching a movie than sensibly going to bed early, knowing the 6am alarm will come soon. I'd rather eat junk food than take care of my body. I'd rather spend money freely on everything I want than tell myself no. And, ultimately, that's what it boils down to: telling myself "no."

The Bible tells us that one characteristic of the fruit of the Spirit is self-control (Galatians 5:23). And, thankfully, I do exercise self control and discipline in areas of my life - otherwise, I'd have huge amounts of debt, an ever growing pant size and big dark circles under my eyes every day (instead of just some days!). Still, whether I do it or not, I don't really "enjoy" it.

Another area of my life where the theme of "discipline" has emerged is in my thought life. I had a friend once who talked about her trouble with fantasizing. Now, please don't misunderstand. Her fantasies weren't sexual or criminal or anything most of us would consider harmful in any way. But, she'd sit home at night and fantasize about what she could have done that day, if only she hadn't been working. She'd sit up late and night and read, and then spend her spare thoughts fantasizing about what could happen in her life - inspired by the lives of those in her books. I don't know all the details, but as she described it to me, I remember thinking it was very insightful for her to have identified this area as something she wanted to change in herself.

Years later, I am reminded of her sharing about this as I think about my own thoughts. The Bible is pretty clear that things in our lives that lead to sin are to be avoided. Jesus even said that parts of our body ought to be excised if they lead to sin (see Mark 9 & Matthew 18). Lust is also repeatedly warned against by many wise writers of the Bible as well as Jesus Himself (see Matthew 5:28).

I think it's fair to say that lust isn't an overt action. I don't mean to say it isn't an action; if we have an active part in it - either beginning the thought process, or failing to halt it, it's an action (in my book, inaction in a needed area is the same as action on its face). But what about the areas of our lives where the object of our "lust" isn't something we normally think of in those terms? What if the 'thing' I'm lusting after is an afternoon free in the sunshine, although as I dream of it, I'm sitting at my desk at work with a mountain of spreadsheets before me? What if the object of my desire, the thing about which I'm fantasizing is a mother-in-law that is nicer to me or better behaved children that never cry and always obey?

I suppose there's always room for reasonableness here. I mean, truly, for a challenged daughter-in-law, for example. There is a productive undertaking of acknowledging what isn't right in her relationship with her in-laws, and then imagining ways in which she can actively work to make it better. I think that's healthy, and Biblical. Blessed are the peacemakers, right? And, of course, wisdom and wise-action require forethought much of the time.

However, if I were to sit around passing significant portions of my time imagining my mother-in-law calling me to apologize for being such a bear all these years, that would be different. (I might add that I feel safe using this example, because I don't have a mother-in-law! As someone unmarried, I get to call on the old stereo-type for the sake of example!).

I hope I've explained my point well enough. It's just that what I'm realizing is that the time inside my head is as valuable as my time in everyday life. It's a valuable resource - like money, or energy or other concepts of time. There is only a limited amount. And the more energy I give inside my mind to unproductive uses of its energy, the more of it I believe I've wasted.

Furthermore, when I "spend" my thought-life this way, I must very much so take heed the warnings that I believe are what the Word conveys.

Matthew 6:21 says that, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be" (NIV). The way I understand this is that when I put my resources toward something, it gains more ground in my heart. So, if I put my thought-resources toward dissatisfaction with my job, my mother-in-law or a fantasy life that may not be in the plans for me, I sink my heart more and more into union with that thing. Likewise, if I invest my thoughts in the pursuit of anything unholy, whether it be money, accolades of the world, sex (outside of marriage) or a glamorous "new life," I tie my heart more and more to those things... and I think that's the intentional next-step of the warnings of Jesus: if I let my heart lead me down a path, I am more likely to walk right down that path.

I may have belabored this point, and I apologize if that's your experience of this today. I think the road from "thoughts" to "actions" - any of which might be displeasing to God - is just coming to me more clearly these days. It's helping me to understand the vital role that self-discipline in my thought-life plays, and why we, as believers, are right to so encourage each other to "take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5b (NIV).

The B-I-B-L-E, That's the Book for Me...

I'm quite pleased to be able to check in with you all today, and say that, for today, I am not "eh." This past weekend, we sat in church worshipping, and I found myself crying as we sang (not at all unusual; I cry at Disney movies, commercials, you name it...so, worship? Oh heck yeah - at least 2/3 of the time!). I found myself praying through what I'd written earlier that day - and just affirming for God that, no matter what, He was my number one. I told Him that - no matter what came - I would be a heart wholly committed to Him.

Then I realized and remembered that key element: I could only do this - stay wholly committed to Him in potential times of desperation and testing - with His help. (Oh the mysteries of God - they amaze me and baffle me all at once sometimes!) So my prayer took on renewed urgency, and I just let Him know, "I desire to be Yours, totally Yours... but I need strength to stay committed; I need power to believe You even in the hard times!"

All the while, we're singing... "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..." (wow... theme much, Lord?!?)...

Then, we move into our teaching for the night... and our Pastor is talking about trying to find our way through the dark - and that we need light to not trip and fall as we search through the times of life where it seems dark, and hard to find the clear way.

Yep, check. I don't care how big or how small the testing is that comes, but I know this is something to which we can all relate. I don't know about you, but even when it's a little thing, lost is lost, friend. If I can't find my way, I feel about as lost as I can be. I'm not sure partially lost exists. It may be one of those all or nothing things!

Anyway, I'm listening - earnestly - and knowing I'm hearing a good word. And Pastor Greg is talking about the Word, the Bible and how it is our light in darkness - always available to us, and always a viable guide.

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" Hebrews 4:12 (NIV).

Or, if you rather, (and this is the translation that really hit home for me), The Message says it this way: "God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon's scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God's Word. We can't get away from it—no matter what" Hebrews 4:12-13 (MSG).

It just helped remind me in the way I needed reminding: no one can escape His hand and loving gaze. I have a thing I sometimes need to tell myself... and I've heard myself say it to a few others too. I say, "Marina, even you cannot derail God." See, I tend to get a little too big for my britches sometimes, and I worry that my disobedience, or my doubt or my fear can stop Him from being who He is, or doing what He says He'll do. It can't. Thankfully, it really can't.

So, this message this weekend, and the reminder about God being immovable and faithful to the end was good for my heart. Furthermore, I was reminded of a crucial piece. The truth is in the Word. We DO get an instruction manual for life. It's the Bible.

And if I am in the Word, and if those in my life stay rooted in the Word, I will find the direction I need - and so will they. I can't get in His way - not like that I can't. And if I listen, His living and active Word for MY life (and yours!) will set me right.

Here's another one of my favorite verses: "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'" Isaiah 30:21 (NIV). I am almost certain I've written about it before.

See, for me, I tend to fear not that God won't speak truth to me, but that I won't hear Him right, and will thereby ruin the entire universe. It sounds extreme, but I admit, somedays it feels that way! So, I am grateful for the explicit and implicit assurances of His written Word. I can only go so far out of His way. If I stay close, and stay submitted, I will stay (more or less) on course.

So much fear melted away from my heart in the hours following this wonderful time at church. I'm so grateful to be in a place where I'm fed so directly and so frequently! So, I will keep reading. Maybe it's just the reassurance of something concretely written out in black and white... but even though the understanding of it is so left to the Spirit, I love opening up the Bible and finding a word for me. He is here with us always, and I am so grateful!

Withstanding

So, I’m feeling kinda “eh” today. I wish I weren’t, and there is a part of me that thinks that I “shouldn’t” reveal that here. I mean, after all, it’s the internet. And, plus, doesn’t accepting the role of writer of this blog of Spirit-inspired reflections mean I’m supposed to be somehow immune from “eh”? Ha ha. Nothing could be farther from the truth, I’m pretty sure. Plus, regardless of what I should or shouldn’t do, it is what it is. My day is a little “eh.” Now, to clarify, I don’t feel terrible today. I am not depressed or angry or down-heartened. I’m just sort of heavy feeling today. And this probably should come as no great surprise to me.


Afterall, as I’ve been writing, it’s been a couple weeks of enemy attacks for me. So, maybe it’s no surprise that I’m not feeling super buoyant today. My personal opinion is that I give over power to the enemy not by having a day of “eh”, but instead by giving control over to the “eh.” Several years ago, I went through an intense season of grief and fear. For months, I would wake up and feel the palpable weight of fear next to me in the bed. I would say (often outloud), “Okay fear. I see you. I acknowledge that you’re here. And I can’t necessarily force you to leave…but, you don’t get to own the day.”


This might not be exactly as I’d approach this today (I’ve learned a lot about the power of prayer, and the authority of a believer in the intervening years), but I think there’s some intelligence in the ideas behind it. Look, it’s unlikely that I will come to a day in my life when the enemy will have completely lost interest in trying to destroy me. He comes to seek, kill and destroy. It’s kind of his thing. Fine. And even if that day comes in my lifetime, when he is stopped once and for all, odds are that it won’t be before this season of testing has passed. So, okay. Then that still leaves me with a set of decisions to make about how I’m going to show up and do this thing today.


And believe you me, I intend to show up. As the story continues (and yeah, I am going to keep referring to this idea of bigger stories taking place in my life; frankly, I kinda like the concept. This is just me, living through the writing of my own testimony), I feel like the new direction I got from the Lord today was about being brave.


I’d already shared the verses that came to me a couple days ago: “Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord” Psalms 27:13-14 (NLT).


So, I thought I’d take a look at this word that’s translated into “brave” here. Here are some tidbits from the Strong’s definition: “to fasten upon…be strong…to bind…restrain…conquer…be constant…encourage (self)…harden…prevail…retain,” and lastly, “to be sure…withstand.”


Ahhhh, how wonderful is the word of God! I can almost hear these words, “Be brave, Marina. Fasten upon me, child. Be strong. Bind the lies of the enemy. Restrain your fear. Conquer the temptation to doubt. Be constant in Me. Encourage yourself. Harden your resolve. Prevail. Retain your belief. Be sure. Withstand.”


So, here it is… testing will come. Like I said, it’s what Satan does. And for me, testing has come today a-knockin’ on my door. So, okay. I see you there, Satan. I see you, but I will not yield. In the holy name of Jesus Christ, who sent me into the world to be a part of His body, His church, I bind your lies. I bind your tongue, and I bind your efforts to distract, to destroy. In the name of Jesus, I call forth the peace of the Lord. I call to You, Father, and ask You to be with me – and be with others living into tests of their own – and help us believe You, God. Help us to know that we know that we know that You are for us, and You are not against us. That You know the plans You have for us, and that they are plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Lord, help us to remember deep in the fiber of our being that You work all things together for the good of those that love You, for the good. Help me love You ever better, Lord. Thank You!


I feel like this may be my calling for today (and Lord, really, if this trial extends only through the end of today, that’d be just fine by me). To yield myself to His work, to let Him do whatever He’s doing. And to stand firm, to believe Him for His promises, and to be brave. To be sure. To withstand.


Lord, You know even better than I do that I can only withstand by Your strengthening. I can only be sure by Your work inside me. Help me, Lord. Help me. Thank You…

"Do Not Doubt Me"

A couple days ago, I was waxing poetic about testimonies... and about how we're probably all constantly living in the midst of several of our own... all we had to do was look around.

Well, for me, one of my life "themes" has been the journey of learning to believe God (this is a theme for me - at least so far... frankly, I'm hoping to put this one to rest at some point... you know, find the "end" of the story). I read the back of a workbook for Beth Moore's study ("Believing God") a few years ago and knew that was the study He was calling me to do at the time in my life. The back cover said - in essence - that it was one thing to believe IN God, but challenged the reader to ask herself... but do you believe Him? You know, when a good friend tells me she'll call me tomorrow, I don't sit around fretting about what it might mean if she doesn't or whether or not she will. She said she will. Why would I doubt?

When my dad told me he'd take me out to lunch for my birthday, I didn't wonder whether or not he'd show up at the restaurant. I didn't fret over it for the week, and then decide that, IF he did bail on me, he might be trying to teach me some obtuse lesson about self-sufficiency, independence or something else. In fact, it didn't even occur to me to pre-draft an excuse for his unreliability. I believed him when he said he'd be there.

It grieves my heart to reflect back on how lacking this same trust has been for my Father through the course of much of my life. In fact, there were years where I think I would have been more likely to not even consider showing up for the restaurant, I felt so convinced He wouldn't show.

Friends, I have to give praise and thanks to His holy name for the journey and the place to which it's brought me - so far. I add that "so far" with much intentionality. I wish I never worried about eating alone in my metaphoric restaurant. I wish I didn't fear that, even if He showed for lunch, I might still be left to pay the tab. I wish I didn't ever wonder whether or not He'd really call. But, sometimes, I do.

In truth, it's not like I sit around saying, "I wonder if God is faithful. Gee, I just don't know what to think about that." It's far more subtle for me. To extend my already over-used metaphor, I would probably be more likely to go along merrily as if I expected Him to show up, but I'd also be sure to invite my brother - just in case...I wouldn't want to eat alone. Furthermore, I'd probably run by the ATM on the way to lunch... wouldn't it be embarrassing to be caught without a way to pay the bill? I might also call my "dad" and double or triple check that He was still planning on meeting me. I would likely not be bold enough to ask him whether or not he still intended to pay the bill.

Ahh...*sigh*. To look at this, and write about it honestly bring a little bit of discouragement to my heart. Am I really still not perfect? Man, what a bummer. (ah, what pride!)

So, where am I going with this? (I really am going somewhere... I promise!)

There's more to the story - thank goodness! Or, actually, thank God!

I have felt so under attack this past couple weeks, friends. I have some key areas of my life & heart in which I have just started to walk in the victory of belief - truly believing Him for my future, His plans and His providence as they play out. I have stood firm on His word, on His promises. I have not been doubting.

And then...

I swear it. The enemy seeks to steal, kill and destroy. And my fear is not only his objective, but also his fuel. I believe that must be true. And I have been around - and been learning to believe - enough to see that, clearly, he doesn't like it when I start to walk in the victory of believing the Lord. So, he ramps it up. It frustrates me deeply to be able to say this to you quite clearly and cohesively, and yet, I still struggle! If only head-knowledge were equivalent to practical and perfect application!

So, I share this here: I'm fighting.

Depending on your outlook on things, your response to this may be either, "Aww, sorry" or "Ahh, you go girl!" My heart says it's a little bit of both. Would it be "nice" if I had learned overnight to always believe God 100% of the time and never doubt? Yes, that'd be very, very nice! But, what kind of testimony would that be? And how would I learn to apply the idea of relying on Him for progress in the process? How would I learn, in the perfect synergy of His world, to trust Him for more trust?

So, it seems that, once again, He really does know what He's doing.

So, the other response to my declaration of a battle acknowledges a key fact: I am fighting. I could just roll over and surrender to the dark one. I could fail to judge Him who has promised many things to me to be unfaithful. I could waiver. I could walk away. Ah, I am in awe of the power in the free will He has gifted to us. I could. I really could.

What I have learned about believing God, though, is that although I *could*, I don't have to. I have a choice. I have a decision to make. Like Sarah, I get to put my heart to a question: do I consider Him faithful who has made the promise? (see Hebrews 11:11...11:11, by the way, is my favorite time of the day... interesting, isn't it? I think God knows I'd just need an easy way to remember how to get back to that verse - again and again, I predict)

I do. I consider Him faithful who has made the promise. And I admit, that's a little scary, and I don't always feel confident 100% of the time. But I get to choose. To whom does my allegiance belong?

And I suspect I may need to do some waiting. Although usually not my preference, God's sense of timing is just a little bit different (read: a lot) from my own. ;) So, I will take comfort in one more piece of wisdom that has recently come back into my view:

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalms 27:13-14 (NIV).

So, our lunch date is on. My Daddy says He's showing up. He even told me when, and where, and how. Then, tonight, as I started to fear again, He spoke words directly to my heart: "DO NOT DOUBT ME." (He doesn't always speak to me in capital letters, but this was an all caps message for sure....) So, I will be there, and I won't even bring my wallet.

Thank You, Lord, for your enduring grace. I love what You are teaching me! May Your will be done and Your kingdom come in me! I love You, Lord!

Hopeful, a Full Hope

Friends, I so apologize for my two-day absence! I found myself unexpectedly separated from my computer...and that, combined with a few other "life" factors had me leaving you high and dry. Please forgive! :)

The good news is that I have 2 days of thoughts hopefully accumulating themselves into a substantive writing for today. We shall see, no?

So, here's what's on my mind: hope. I don't have my full arsenal of word study books with me right now, so please pardon me for a lack of specific reference information. What I can say, however, is that there are several words used throughout the Bible that, in their original language, depict a very different idea of "hope" than what we usually think of when we use it today.

When I say, "I hope the sun is out tomorrow" (or whatever the example may be), I usually am thinking "that'd be nice, but who knows?" The Biblical words translated from the original language into English often imply something different, something more.

There's a general sense of expectation implicit in this Biblical concept of hope. So, rather than thinking, "wouldn't it be nice if this great thing happened?", one can instead hope in Him with a confidence and expectation that He is bring the good things He's promised, and that though the timing may or may not be unknown, there's assurance behind the hope.

I think I'm going to end this there for the moment; simple and sweet, I suppose! Plan to see more about hope & its Biblical translations in the future, though. I am getting a sense this won't be the last!

Blessings!

Finding a New Testimony

I used to think of "my testimony" as a single, long story about what my life looked like before I really met Jesus, and what it looks like now. I've decided, however, that thinking of it this way really sells short the amazing work God has done, and continues to do in my life.

At one point, I realized I might actually have a couple testimonies. Maybe one about my victory over such-and-such stronghold, and my coming to peace over this area of my life or that relationship. Even this though, I think, doesn't allow for maximum potential to be reached.

If the word "testimony" is as related to the word "testify" as it seems to be, it's really just me telling about what has happened, right? Well, I don't know about anyone else, but for me, there is always something happening inside me. Sure, there are also the stories about my world... developments with this project at work, new challenges in that relationship at home, or this ministry at church and so on, and so forth. However, I think that behind or between and sometimes around these different storylines, there's always another, more personal story being worked out in me. Where am I at with my own sense of insecurity? What's moving inside me relative to how well and how thoroughly I trust the Lord? How has my understanding of God's providence and faithfulness really changed? When I start looking at these bigger, thematic type issues, I realize that each story about my outer world just folds into a larger story about my inner world. That is, if you'll indulge me with such language that's simultaneously abstract and concrete all at once. The nature of language, I guess. :)

So, when I am considering this topic of "finding a new testimony," I don't have to make it hard. I just have to look at the stories that are always at work in me. He is so awesome in that way; there are more levels than me & my little human pea-brain can understand. I cannot wait to get to heaven, sit by His side, and listen to His wisdom. I'm sure there will be ever more layers and stories revealed.

So, seriously, even in the midst of what may be a painful or difficult season in your life, I would be willing to bet money that God is also writing a new testimony for you - a good one. What new testimony might you have to share if you thought of it that way too? I think it's fair to say that the primary purpose of having a testimony in the first place is to bring glory to God. I'm sure He has a story in you that someone else needs to hear. He loves us that much!

What Does He Say Is Important?

I got myself a little overwhelmed today. I'm running low on sleep, which I know is not a great starting-point for my day... and somewhere along the way, I started to feel stressed about a too long list of things that are definitely not that important.

Anyway, in the midst of that, I heard a story that reminded me about sticking close to the truth, and remembering that, at the end of the day, our primary purposes are about what God wants for us: about relationship with Him, about bringing the love of Christ into the world, and about bringing glory to Him. It's amazing how quickly, with a reminder like that, all the other "noise" can slip away.

I have heard it said (and you probably have too) that rather than looking forward or looking back, when we're struggling, all we need to do is look up. Sort of the "keep your eye on the prize" principle, I guess.

It's simple, and maybe that's best.

"'You are my witnesses,' declares the LORD,
and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me."' Isaiah 43:10

Snatched and Snatched Back

Alright, well, if you've been reading my writing for long, you know that I like to think of the vivid word pictures drawn in scripture. I even like to imagine and draw visualizations in my own mind to help me really grasp the meanings and to relate better in my own present experience of life.

That said, I'm going to share one with you. It may seem a little silly to you, but that's alright. It was helpful for me!

Here's the verse: "Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved" Luke 8:12 (NIV).

Tonight, this verse struck me deeply. I had been thinking earlier today about the absolute necessity of believing God for His Word, His faithfulness and His grace. As many of you know, I write about this a lot.

I was thinking about the words I feel like I've received from the Lord, and how easily I can be persuaded to doubt them, question them and wonder about whether or not I "really" got it. Now, don't get me wrong; I think there's definite validity and value in the process of comparing God's Word against the things I believe I receive from Him. I know I'm fallible - and very much so! BUT, there are messages, stories and love poems He's sown into my heart that I am absolutely sure are well-received and from His Spirit. And yet, sometimes, the very things that in a moment of faith can be certainty to me can so easily become fodder for my doubts in a moment of testing.

I was struck by what this verse says about the devil coming & taking the word away from our hearts, so that we cannot believe. Yes. That resonated in my heart. I have experienced just that moment... something I had known to be true, and his dark and snatching hand trying to pry it from me... his hope that I might not continue to believe my God.

And this is where the word-picture and visualization come in. I felt like I could almost see his dark and destructive hand creeping into my heart, trying to quickly snatch away my word. And even as I'm typing this, I'm seeing it again - I wonder what it looks like to you, in your mind's eye. Then I saw coming from no where my own hand in this sort of abstract vision, reaching in and taking back my word... and with a vengeance! I was reminded of something I have heard Beth Moore teach on, and something I believe to be true: sometimes, we have to fight to hold onto the words He places in our hearts.

It's the side of walking by faith I didn't know about "before." I thought I would just decide to walk by faith, and then, perhaps, merrily skip along on my way - maybe in a perpetually sunny glen, surrounded by daisies or something equally ridiculous and simplistic. But it isn't like that. At least not for me. At least not yet. :) God provides. His words come. He is a remarkably sweet and ministering friend to me in moments when I need Him most. I am so grateful for the ways in which I can always count on Him. And, sometimes, I have to stand firm and take captive those thoughts...for the enemy does come. And he comes to kills, steal and destroy. First on his list? My words. They're often the key to my peace, my effectiveness and my joy... what more could he hope to steal, with my salvation already secured?

So, for my part, I will keep remembering my imagination's view into this verse: I'll remember the black, scaly hand that my mind saw, and I will remember the ferocity with which I sometimes need to snatch back that which has been given to me. I can't exactly connect the dots from here to there, but I know it's part of walking in victory. I'm so glad to have the opportunity.

Some Days are a Battle

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, 'Destroy him!'" Deuteronomy 33:27 (NIV)

I am sure there are many things that could be noted about the above verse, and perhaps we'll get to more than one of them, but first and foremost, here's what I noticed: in this pronouncement (part of a blessing spoken over the tribes of Israel by Moses just before his death), there is one enemy. He speaks of "your enemy." Not "your enemies." Although, on the earthly plane, the Israelites had quite a time ahead of them, and many mortal foes.

In the end, there is ONE enemy. A dark one who longs to fight against the work of God. I am learning that I need to learn about him, and understand the ways in which he works in my life, and this is becoming clear with greater and greater urgency for me. And it's amazing the fruit that effort is showing! He may be clever, but not terribly creative it seems. Tonight, I found myself again under heavy fire. The thoughts running through my mind were absolute nonsense, and I knew it!

I am SOOOO grateful for the power of a sovereign God that allowed these thoughts to run through my head in the midst of my battle:

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV).

I'll tell ya what, I was fighting - hard! BUT, I walk in victory tonight thanks to the grace and might of an amazing and gracious God. So, in closing, I'll add one last beautiful reminder, and before I do, remember, you are adopted into sonship through your belief in Christ!

"Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will trample down their high places." Deuteronomy 33:29 (NIV)

Me x 2? or 3? or 4?

I love that, sometimes, God just goes ahead and makes it perfectly clear that He's trying to get my attention. I had 2 conversations today, with two totally unrelated persons, about the exact same subject. And, both times, the other person is the one who brought it up. Might seem irrelevant, but I felt sure God was giving me a writing topic.

So, here's the topic: are you the same person when you approach the throne of God as you are when you sit and eat dinner with your friends?

Now, if you're response to this is, "Huh?!," then please bear with me!

The best way I think I can expound on this is to keep it simple and just speak for myself. For me, I can say that - at this point in my life - I am mostly the same person regardless of the context in which you find me. There are, of course, certain friends I have that really bring out my silly side, or my philosophical side, or whichever side you might want to think of. And, when I'm alone with God, there is a certain deep sweet spot that is revealed and exposed within me that few others ever get to see. These subtle shifts in how I reveal myself to the world, and which parts of my personality are most noticeable are, I think, pretty normal. My suspicion is that it's one of the fun parts of God putting a unique personality in each of us.

Now, while all these different facets have certain lights in which they shine most, I still think I'm pretty much the same around different folks. I think that my friends at work and my friends at church could easily sit down and discuss what I'm "like" and all agree. One friend may see a certain side more frequently or with more clarity than another, but overall, they each see me.

I'd like to take a moment to just interject that this fact has certainly not always been true for me; before being rescued by the one true Redeemer, I had many, many years in which I basically had a few different "selfs" and I just put on the one that seemed to best suit any given context. I was so afraid of being rejected for who I was (knowing that rejection can come in many different forms) that I didn't feel able to just put on me, and let the reactions and responses of the world fall away. With years (many, many years!) of hard work - including the looking within honestly, sharing who I *truly* am, and finally just surrendering myself up to Jesus for healing, I feel that change has been effected in me. I am changed. Personally, I think that seldom do we change as people. I think we can change our behaviors, but when it comes to true, essential, internal change, I think that rather than changing ourselves, our selves are changed by God.

Okay, now, back to the topic at hand. Forget different groups of friends, professional contexts, and etc. What I think I'm meant to hone in on today is the me (and the you) that is present when coming to kneel before the throne. In worship, in prayer... not that it's a necessary thing to do, but IF I were to reveal that same self without any filters to the world, would it match the me they already know? Would I simply be a more transparent, more vulnerable version of the me they see? Or would they be surprised? Shocked even?

And, in the same vein, if Jesus were to show up at the local hang out and sit down next to my friends and I, would He be surprised at who He saw? And, perhaps more importantly, how would you feel?

I know there was a time in my life when the idea of sitting at a table with even my different groups of friends would have provoked anxiety; I don't think I would have known how to behave had the different worlds in my life collided. Throw Jesus into the thought, and I probably would have imploded! (Praise You, Lord, for the healing work You've done in me!!!)

So, you probably saw this coming, but the final comment here is that Jesus IS there when you sit with your friends at dinner. He's there when you're in the car, laughing with a friend, and even when you're discussing a hurtful situation with a significant other. He sees. He knows. And thank the heavens, He loves! That said, I'll invite you to join with me today in making a point to imagine the physical person of Jesus sitting next to me as I go through my day; I wonder if anything will be different than if I'd gone through my day business as usual.

Reveal to me, oh Lord, the things You desire for me to see today! I thank You that there is no condemnation in Christ, and I welcome Your conviction. Lead me in the ways of righteousness and truth! I love You!

Going My Way?

Well, if anyone ever wanted convincing that going against the ways of the Lord is a bad idea, try reading Deuteronomy 28. A lovely passage on blessings that come from following the ways of the Lord is quickly followed by a lengthy description of the many horrible things that will be visited upon those that do not obey His word. Seriously, it's some wretched stuff!

So, what I feel led to write about tonight is pretty simple. Over time, I feel like I've cultivated a sort of sense of the Spirit and what happens in my life when I'm moving in opposition to His will for me. Hard times always come in life. There's no doubt in my mind that this is the true nature of a fallen world. But, there is a certain type of resistance that comes into my world when I am working against Him. Thankfully, these days, I more often am able to recognize the converse smoothness of life lived within the trajectory of His designs. I've said it before, and I am sure I will say it again and again: when God gets involved in His own plan, watch out! Amazing things happen!

So, for me, I'm going to remember that when life is pushing me in on sides that feel uncomfortable, it's smart for me to ask God for His help in discerning what's what. Sometimes, when I feel like I'm pushing against the world to accomplish something, it may be because I'm not meant to accomplish it. And, when I feel the exciting whoosh of live in full swing around me, precisely because I am leaning and moving forward into His ways, I will remember to give praise and thanks to the One who helps me get there!

Got Meaning?

I usually sort of pray and think about a writing topic for this page each day... sometimes I find that inspiration earlier in the days than others. Today, I think God gave me a topic almost as soon as I woke up, and then gave me an entire day - too full to find time to write - in which to let it simmer and to learn more. The topic? Making the day meaningful.

I think that "meaningful" is sort of a difficult word to define. I mean, it's one of those things...I couldn't exactly give you the description, but I know it when I see it.

Solomon wrote a lot about all the things that were "meaningless" in Ecclesiastes, and as it turns out, it's most things. So, what's one to do?

Well, I think the obvious starting place is to consider how God would assign value to our day. We're so lucky to have a handbook for living in the Bible; we are also fortunate to have the Spirit as a personal counselor sent to be with us forever (John 14:16), as well as the perfect mentor in Jesus. You'd think we'd all go around living incredibly meaningful lives each day!

Actually, I should take that back... I think that most of us probably do go around living incredibly meaningful lives each day. For many of us, we have the ability to bring a lot of influence to people around us constantly. And, really, we do so whether we realize it or not. My thought today was specifically about letting the Spirit guide us in how we're to exercise that influence. In what ways, Lord, is my life meant to be meaningful today? Help me to step into Your plan for my day, and help me make it count...and count for You!

Listen, it's almost cliche, but today is the only March 4th, 2009 you will ever, ever get. Yes, His mercies are new each morning (Praise God), and His love endures forever. AND, today is the only one of these you get. Make it count. Consider good stewardship in the context of your life, maybe. I work to be a good steward of my money, a good steward of my time and of my talents... what about being a good steward of my influence? Huh. I don't about you, but that gives me plenty to think about.

Love you all! Comments, discussion topics, etc are always welcome!

Jesus Goes Viral

I read an awesome article tonight about Christian activism and activity in India. India and its millions have a special place in my heart, so I was moved by the article and one of its story of simple (but profound) triumph. One of the things made evident by the article and, really, by what's happening in India, China and places all over the world is an awesome truth: Jesus is persuasion enough. The story is different for each of us, but maybe just maybe our job as disciples of the nations isn't about convincing anyone...but, instead, it's about telling them the facts of the gospel, and then creating a space for Jesus to demonstrate who He is. He IS the persuasive truth. Sometimes, we're given the opportunity to be that tableau upon which Jesus paints a picture of what His salvation and love are really about; many of our lives are walking miracles by His grace. Sometimes, it's miraculous healing, transformation or even resurrection. Either way, He's still quite busy and it's awesome!

(By the way, for those who may not already be in-the-know, I will share that my own faith has been so strengthened and encouraged by learning more about the miracles being performed in some of these emerging nations in the name of Jesus; it's wonderfully exciting to hear story after story demonstrating His enduring power, might and glory - especially amidst a contemporary backdrop.)

Then, tonight, shortly after reading the article, I was chatting with someone about some ways in which I'm seeing the message of Jesus spread essentially by word-of-mouth in my own life's circle. It's really fun! It got me thinking. There's all this talk these days of YouTube videos and random internet personalities going "viral" and spreading like wildfire. It's just the transfer of something from one individual to the next, with a little personal touch in the middle.

That is absolutely the way of Jesus...

I love that throughout His ministry, there are many stories of Him have personal one-on-one interactions with people just as ordinary as you or I. That "personal touch" came come between one and a crowd of thousands, but it can also come between two hearts connecting in the midst of quiet. In a new way tonight, I am appreciating a reminder that my life is countless, countless opportunities for that touch. A warm smile to a kid at the next checkout line, a little extra eye contact and conversation with a stranger in the elevator at work... maybe they see the cross I wear or maybe they don't! Either way... Sometimes there are times when we're called to go to the mat for another's heart or salvation; I absolutely believe in that too! We are called to be more than overcomers! But, I can't speak into a heart the way He can. I don't have to convince anyone that Jesus is for them. I just have to do my best to let the Spirit take center stage , and then Jesus - maybe as He lives in me - can do all the heavy lifting!

Lord, help me to be used by You! Show me a new way, today, that I can shine Your light, and carry Your message! Thank You for the privilege!

How Noisy Could Jesus Be?

I'm not proud to admit that, for years, I think I've sat in church perfecting a very specific facial expression. It's usually reserved for parents with loud children who seem to have no interest whatsoever in quieting their little ones; every now and then, I also have used it with people whose cell phones have gone off in the middle of service. It's a face that consists of a sort of sympathetic smile combined with a knowing glance. I'll do a terrible job of trying to describe it physically, so let me just say that the basic message behind this look is, "I feel sorry for you, but please stop it right away - and, with that, you ought to know better." Like I said, I'm not admitting this happily. I feel sad to think about how often I've probably given that face. That said, I should also say that I sat in church for years while my head searched frantically for answers and my heart stayed far, far from the Lord. Within that context, it probably makes a lot of sense.

Anyway, I had a similar situation arise this weekend at church. A very disruptive moment happened right in front of me, and I had two real choices: 1) sit quietly and look away, in a pathetic attempt to not add to the embarrassment of the noisy parties or 2) I could help. The catch was that doing what would really be most helpful for the family in front of me would also mean adding to the distracting ruckus - at least for a few moments.

Truthfully, my pride and general comportment predisposed me to a strong aversion to the later. I am not really a fan of drawing attention to myself in a setting like, and this is doubly true when the attention would be almost certainly negative. But, thankfully, the Spirit intervened in the exact moment of decision and I thought, "My choice here is to protect my reputation and ego, or to love these people." So, I helped. And it was loud. And distracting. And I am sure I turned a brilliant shade of fuchsia. But I helped. And the mother I saw in the hall later said "thank you" about a million times. And I know it was the Spirit because, 1) I did the thing that is outside of my fleshly nature, and 2) when she apologized later, I absolutely meant it when I said it was no big deal, and that I was glad to help.

I have long known the famous scriptures about the fruit of the Spirit. They hung in hallway bathroom while I was a kid, so I have had them memorized for a long time: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things, there is no law" Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV).

For years, I thought this meant that if I acted with love, tried to be joyful, expressed peaceful patience, was kind and good, seemed faithful and acted gently and with self control that then the Spirit would come an be a part of my life. I am certainly grateful I finally got turned around about my misconception. Those qualities that describe the fruit of the Spirit are the result, not the cause. The Spirit is the cause, and what comes from its presence in my life is its fruit, and the list of admirable traits is simply a cheat sheet to help recognize the fruit when it passes by.

So, when I look back on my morning and my split-second decision, I see the Spirit at work. I also am not missing what I think is a helpful reminder that sometimes the Spirit-filled life is a little messy; sometimes, it seems, it is even disruptive in church. I wonder about the areas of my life where I'm acting in accordance with the world around me - the ways in which I'm just trying not to be disruptive. I wonder if some of them are hardest to spot when the crowd around me is my wonderful church family.

Lord, open my eyes. Let my heart be consumed by Your Spirit, and show me Your way. Give me the willingness and ability to follow - no matter how noisy the moment may be.