Backpacks

I was talking with a group of friends tonight and one of the things I said struck my own ears in that way that sometimes catches my attention. I think, "Did I just say that? Hmmm, interesting food for thought."

The gist of what I said was this: "These are my issues; this is my stuff. I have a hard time trusting God, and I tend to be pretty self-absorbed. That's just my stuff. I carry my stuff around with me in my backpack. It's always been like that."

Hmm, so this may not seem particularly shocking to you - especially if you read this blog regularly. It's about as shocking as "the sky is blue." I know. But, what I realized is that in a relatively substantial way, I think I own these shortcomings as part of my identity. What I think was implicit in what I said was a final, silent sentence that basically says, "And that's how it will always be." What struck me, as I spoke the words, was the thought, "What would it be like for me if I let God empty that backpack? What would that look like in my life?" My next thought took it a step further: "Doesn't the gift of Jesus mean that I don't even have to carry a backpack at all? And, in my heart of hearts, do I believe that?"

I don't know. I know I'm not the only one, but those of us who relate to this idea may be in the minority; I really don't know. What I do know is that I think I've unintentionally put more faith in my own character defects than I have in God's ability to remove them. It wasn't on purpose, and it certainly wasn't an explicit decision. But if you look at the story hidden inside the daily-ness of life, I think I just sort of slipped into it. Regardless of how it happened though, I am beyond overjoyed to know that I have the option to slip out of it too.

As this idea has unfolded for me throughout the day, I've been praying for God to enlarge my expectations of Him. I heard someone talk about "getting [her] hopes up" today. It made me think about this idea. I want to get my hopes up in Christ! I want to expect enormous freedom and huge grace from Him. I want to expect that His power and His mercy and His holiness and His mercy will each knock my socks off again and again... and then I want to be blown out of the water by how much bigger He is than anything I could have ever expected.

I own a backpack. I have a rotating list of a few personal effects I've carried in it for a very long time. But Jesus came to set the captives free; He came to proclaim good news to the prisoner and to rebuild the long devastated places (see Isaiah 61 for the most awesome mission statement of all time). I am quite certain that He came to take my backpack. The metaphor may be silly, but I have tears in my eyes as I type this.

I love this journey. It feels pretty sucky some days; don't get me wrong. I have plenty of those days. But I love this journey. And I love my tour guide. And some days it feels amazing. Then there are days like today where it feels a little bit of both. I'll take it. It's His show, and I am so glad to be a part of it. I have no earthly idea how to take my stuff out of my backpack, let alone take the backpack off completely. Thanks to the heavens (truly!) that I don't need to know how. I just need to let Him teach me. Teach me, Lord! Here I am! I am willing! And You are ready, and that is all I need!

So, assuming I'm not the only one with a backpack, I will ask the question: what do you carry in yours?