As I've written about before, it's easy for me to be very hard on myself. I suspect many (if not most) of us are like this. Even when I am complimented, it sometimes sparks me to feel not gratitude, but instead shame for all the ways in which either 1) I do not live up to the compliment or 2) all the other ways in which I do not deserve any praise.
I'm afraid I don't have more eloquence for it... but what I can say is that, for whatever reasons, I can often feel a little down on myself or disappointed in my own imperfection. In fact, that's probably one of my biggest challenges in responding to others. I think we probably all have our own motives that vary from instance to instance, but quite often, when I feel defensive, it's simply a shield for my own disappointment in my (once again) revealed imperfection.
In truth, this is a ludicrous problem to have! I was reminded of this today when reading in Luke. This is the passage in which Jesus is being criticized for befriending Levi, the tax collector. Jesus' response to His critics is one I need to hear again and again:
"Jesus answered them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick'" Luke 5:31 (NIV).
Ooooh, right.
It is precisely because of my imperfections and human failings that I need Jesus. And not only because of these thing do I need Him, but because of them, He came, and because of them, I am repeatedly and readily convinced of my need for His hand in my life.
In truth, it's a simple lack of humility that prompts me to feel disappointed in my imperfection. I don't say this to be critical, but to be honest and plain. Only when I expect that I, of my own power, can act in a way that is "perfect" am I disappointed when I am not perfect. I am sure that many of my mistakes and mis-steps (whether sins or not... I know I can count many things as mis-steps that aren't sin at all... just another sign of my out-there standards!) disappoint God. But I suspect He doesn't even pause to be surprised by my failings. Instead, it's just an opportunity for Him to love me. And, when it comes down to it (and especially because I have no choice!), I'll take all the opportunities for Jesus' love that I can get!
Thank You, Lord, for loving me!
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