I'd made a mistake in a certain area of my life, and was feeling really frustrated and disappointed in myself. I had sinned in this area before, and had been doing really well in living in victory, and holding myself to higher standards...standards that I believe are reflective of His standards for me in this particular area.
Anyway, I messed up and was feeling pretty flat-on-my-face in my sin. I was worshipping and spending some time with God, and just feeling so down on myself. I was aware of my guilty feelings, and wrestling through with God whether or not it was appropriate to feel the guilt. I know there is "no condemnation for those who are in Christ" (see Romans 8:1), and yet I definitely did not want to sweep my sin under the run, throw out a cursory repentance prayer and move on. So, I sat with it a little and spent time with God, talking it out.
I heard myself saying, from a sincere spot in my heart, that I just felt like I didn't deserve God's grace on this one...I was saying that I "know better" and had acted immaturely. "I just don't deserve You," I heard myself say. That's when God gave me the much-needed reminder. His response, as gentle as it could be, was "You never have."
Well that got my attention for sure. "Lord?"
"What's changed?" He asked.
*deep exhale*
Right.
That's right.
I have never deserved the magnanimity of God. I have never been worthy of the gift of His Son on the Cross. I never have and NEVER will have earned Calvary. Never. I am incapable of it.
This reminder not only corrected my lack of humility, but more so, drew me closer to the heart of God. His reminder to me wasn't shaming or condemning - even of my arrogance. Instead, it was just a reminder of the reality of truth.
Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (NIV)
And that's it in a nutshell. The grace He lavishes on me (even when I make the same mistake more than once!) and the forgiveness He extends are demonstrations of His love. Christ went to the cross while you & I still bore the weight of our guilt, so that we would never have to again. He defeated the condemnation I was allowing to be heaped on my own head, and I am thankful He re-directed me and reminded me to take hold of the freedom He's given.
I don't think there's anything wrong with letting my own disappointment in my weakness have a moment to be experienced, but when I wallow in it, or worse, lend the idea of truth to it, I negate the reality of His sacrifice and what it really means. I was blessed by my own fallen-nature, in a roundabout way. Just another example of God working all things together for good (Romans 8:28). I not only got to learn a renewed appreciation for His grace, but I came to love His heart just that much more...for He loves us. And that is the hinge on which our lives turn. What a gift; what a Lord!
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