Holiness is in the Practical

I have had the incredible blessing and honor of helping to lead a group of women in a discipleship course for the last nine months.  I've been through this course myself, and well, I knew going in that I'd be getting worked on as much as I'd be helping lead God's group...  this coming week is our final meeting.


Each week, I email the girls and give them an update on homework, memory verses, etc... this week, however, a little bit huge amount of self-sharing poured out...  What's below is an edited version of my email to the group.  It seemed like a great thing to share here, although it's a little more self-revealing than what feels totally comfortable.    At this point, though, I'm about as unashamed of my stuff as ever before, so here we go!

Oooh, oh oh oh oh...

I just told a friend this morning that God has hit me with something new in the last few days, and I think it may be what He's been working me up to for the last nine months... (although, as I also said to her, probably more like the last nine years or so, as I first came into recovery for my eating disorders 9 years ago).  God's calling me to give up perhaps the last (and in some ways the first) of the things I still knowingly let stand in between my heart and His.  And, I'm not afraid to admit to you all, I'm not exactly responding in a mature, submitted, gentle-hearted way.

I'll try to spare you all the lengthy details, but the long & short of it is that in this whole journey with my eating, I think I've learned some physical, medical, physiological, scientific things lately that have helped me to understand what is going on inside me... it's good research and blah blah blah, but it also rings true to my own experiences for the last 25 years and my Spirit has repeatedly responded with a little "nod" of acknowledgement.  I'm no biochemist, but for me, He's revealing some truths.  

The net result is that, in order to put an end to the ongoing harm I have been unknowingly doing to my body, I have some foods I need to give up - and probably give up 100% completely for at least 18 months until my body re-regulates some things.  At that point, I may be able to here and there have a tiny bit of these foods, but I'll never be able to eat them in a "normal" way again.  

I'm only a little ashamed to admit that, while I am concerned about the practicality and convenience factor of this path (especially for those with whom I frequently share meals and a few blessed loving souls who have lovingly taken on the challenge of preparing food for me), my biggest and most important internal reaction has been all about giving up these foods.  The short list includes sugar and all things metabolized as sugar... trust me when I say that's a LONG list of foods.  Even for someone who has already been not-eating gluten for years.  

So, I find myself standing at a cross roads and obedience, faith, trust and surrender.

If I had been diagnosed with epilepsy or another more widely-understood something, an official, disease, and someone said I needed to make some changes to live healthfully with the condition, it'd be a no-brainer to me.  It'd be time to accept and adapt.  Likewise, if my vice of choice for coping was something more "bad," in our culture, it'd be easier for me to make that same leap.  No one smiles and chuckles knowingly when people say, "You know, I have just had a terrible day!  I'm going to go take a hot bath and do some meth!"  But, hot bath + some ice cream to take the edge off?  You all know as well as I do how accepted that is.  And, really, maybe for many people (maybe most people!) a little ice cream to soothe isn't an idolatry issue.  For me, however, God is pointing at that ice cream (and french fries and etc etc) and saying, "Hey, you let this stand in between me and your absolute surrender."  The real question, I think, is whether or not I'm willing to give up the hard thing in order to be truly set-apart and more freed up to be His.  More His.  

I'm absolutely convinced that God is wooing my heart in a new way, and calling forth from me a new level of dedication...of consecration.  And, you know, I wanted to share with you guys, for whatever reason, that 1) I'm in this space and that 2) I could be a little more lovely about how I'm responding.  The first night after I felt sure confirmation of my suspicions that this was where I needed to go, I went and had bagels and animal crackers for dinner (things I won't be able to eat for the next 18 months at least).  Last night?  I made sure to eat some of the ice cream I was served, lots of it, actually.  And today, I had given my self a free-for-all pass until I knew I'd be able to write & post this thing....  I've given myself a bit of a "last hurrah" permission slip.  Not exactly the immediate jump to obedience I'd like to expect of myself, especially since I know I'm doing some physical damage in the meantime.  But, hey, I'm just telling you the truth.

So... anyway, I'm really not sure what the point of me sharing all this is, but I felt like I was supposed to.  The truth which I am starting to accept has a few layers: 1) I'm going to do this.  2) It's going to be an 18 month fast, and I'll take it from there.   3) I can't do this on my own.  And maybe more than anything else, I'm afraid of failing.  4) I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13), so the real question is whether or not I BELIEVE the Word of God.  If I do, then I just have to let Him be my strength.  He definitely has the strength to carry me through any journey - but especially one that He's directed and doubly especially when its purpose is to draw me closer to my beautiful, Holy Father.  As I've learned, discipleship isn't about knowing more about Jesus; it's about being more LIKE Him.  I'm guessing He was allowed to eat sugar, but I have no doubts about His many, much bigger sacrifices.  Oh mercy... in lieu of the recent reminders all over Holy week & Easter, I have fresh in my heart the taste of so much of His sacrifice.  And He did it so I could do this.  I think walking forward in obedience is the least I can do.  And it also feels like the most.  To say otherwise would be a lie.  But now I get to learn new lessons about leaning on His strength daily in a whole new way.  It'll be good.

Love you guys.