"Do Not Doubt Me"

A couple days ago, I was waxing poetic about testimonies... and about how we're probably all constantly living in the midst of several of our own... all we had to do was look around.

Well, for me, one of my life "themes" has been the journey of learning to believe God (this is a theme for me - at least so far... frankly, I'm hoping to put this one to rest at some point... you know, find the "end" of the story). I read the back of a workbook for Beth Moore's study ("Believing God") a few years ago and knew that was the study He was calling me to do at the time in my life. The back cover said - in essence - that it was one thing to believe IN God, but challenged the reader to ask herself... but do you believe Him? You know, when a good friend tells me she'll call me tomorrow, I don't sit around fretting about what it might mean if she doesn't or whether or not she will. She said she will. Why would I doubt?

When my dad told me he'd take me out to lunch for my birthday, I didn't wonder whether or not he'd show up at the restaurant. I didn't fret over it for the week, and then decide that, IF he did bail on me, he might be trying to teach me some obtuse lesson about self-sufficiency, independence or something else. In fact, it didn't even occur to me to pre-draft an excuse for his unreliability. I believed him when he said he'd be there.

It grieves my heart to reflect back on how lacking this same trust has been for my Father through the course of much of my life. In fact, there were years where I think I would have been more likely to not even consider showing up for the restaurant, I felt so convinced He wouldn't show.

Friends, I have to give praise and thanks to His holy name for the journey and the place to which it's brought me - so far. I add that "so far" with much intentionality. I wish I never worried about eating alone in my metaphoric restaurant. I wish I didn't fear that, even if He showed for lunch, I might still be left to pay the tab. I wish I didn't ever wonder whether or not He'd really call. But, sometimes, I do.

In truth, it's not like I sit around saying, "I wonder if God is faithful. Gee, I just don't know what to think about that." It's far more subtle for me. To extend my already over-used metaphor, I would probably be more likely to go along merrily as if I expected Him to show up, but I'd also be sure to invite my brother - just in case...I wouldn't want to eat alone. Furthermore, I'd probably run by the ATM on the way to lunch... wouldn't it be embarrassing to be caught without a way to pay the bill? I might also call my "dad" and double or triple check that He was still planning on meeting me. I would likely not be bold enough to ask him whether or not he still intended to pay the bill.

Ahh...*sigh*. To look at this, and write about it honestly bring a little bit of discouragement to my heart. Am I really still not perfect? Man, what a bummer. (ah, what pride!)

So, where am I going with this? (I really am going somewhere... I promise!)

There's more to the story - thank goodness! Or, actually, thank God!

I have felt so under attack this past couple weeks, friends. I have some key areas of my life & heart in which I have just started to walk in the victory of belief - truly believing Him for my future, His plans and His providence as they play out. I have stood firm on His word, on His promises. I have not been doubting.

And then...

I swear it. The enemy seeks to steal, kill and destroy. And my fear is not only his objective, but also his fuel. I believe that must be true. And I have been around - and been learning to believe - enough to see that, clearly, he doesn't like it when I start to walk in the victory of believing the Lord. So, he ramps it up. It frustrates me deeply to be able to say this to you quite clearly and cohesively, and yet, I still struggle! If only head-knowledge were equivalent to practical and perfect application!

So, I share this here: I'm fighting.

Depending on your outlook on things, your response to this may be either, "Aww, sorry" or "Ahh, you go girl!" My heart says it's a little bit of both. Would it be "nice" if I had learned overnight to always believe God 100% of the time and never doubt? Yes, that'd be very, very nice! But, what kind of testimony would that be? And how would I learn to apply the idea of relying on Him for progress in the process? How would I learn, in the perfect synergy of His world, to trust Him for more trust?

So, it seems that, once again, He really does know what He's doing.

So, the other response to my declaration of a battle acknowledges a key fact: I am fighting. I could just roll over and surrender to the dark one. I could fail to judge Him who has promised many things to me to be unfaithful. I could waiver. I could walk away. Ah, I am in awe of the power in the free will He has gifted to us. I could. I really could.

What I have learned about believing God, though, is that although I *could*, I don't have to. I have a choice. I have a decision to make. Like Sarah, I get to put my heart to a question: do I consider Him faithful who has made the promise? (see Hebrews 11:11...11:11, by the way, is my favorite time of the day... interesting, isn't it? I think God knows I'd just need an easy way to remember how to get back to that verse - again and again, I predict)

I do. I consider Him faithful who has made the promise. And I admit, that's a little scary, and I don't always feel confident 100% of the time. But I get to choose. To whom does my allegiance belong?

And I suspect I may need to do some waiting. Although usually not my preference, God's sense of timing is just a little bit different (read: a lot) from my own. ;) So, I will take comfort in one more piece of wisdom that has recently come back into my view:

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalms 27:13-14 (NIV).

So, our lunch date is on. My Daddy says He's showing up. He even told me when, and where, and how. Then, tonight, as I started to fear again, He spoke words directly to my heart: "DO NOT DOUBT ME." (He doesn't always speak to me in capital letters, but this was an all caps message for sure....) So, I will be there, and I won't even bring my wallet.

Thank You, Lord, for your enduring grace. I love what You are teaching me! May Your will be done and Your kingdom come in me! I love You, Lord!