Blindness & Our Need for Eyes to See

Hello friends & beloved children of the King!!!  

My amazing church does a monthly event called Night of Worship (NOW).  It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like it might be: a night where all we do is worship!  It's always a powerful evening and I wholeheartedly believe it is a powerful tool is our corporate arsenal.  

Recently, before NOW, our Worship Pastor asked the team what we were praying about for that night and for the weekend services ahead...  God showed up as I started asking Him where He wanted me praying, and below is a revised version of what I sent back.  There is a powerful message here about spiritual blindness, the schemes of the enemy and God's desire for our victory.  I hope it blesses you.  Enjoy!

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As I started seeking, the story of Elisha & his servant from 2 Kings 6 came to mind right away... the one where Elisha's servant freaks out because they're surrounded, and Elisha tells him not to fear b/c there are more with them than against them.  The part that jumped to mind specifically was where Elisha prays that the servant's eyes would be opened, so he would be able to really see the entire reality.  The idea of opening eyes - opening the eyes of the people of the church, the people of OUR church so that they are equipped and empowered to SEE what's going on around each and all of us in the spiritual realm is what God wants me praying.  Some people, I felt, needed to see that they were under attack.  Some people need to know that they're being pursued by the enemy's forces so that they can respond as warriors, empowered in the truth of victory.  Some people need to see that, in the midst of the battleground they see, they are surrounded by mighty, powerful, warring angels of God.  It's not just that God is with us in this vague, pat-on-the-back kind of way.  Some need a new vision of His ARMY with them.  Yep, this is what He put on my heart... 

Reading this story in its context, I was amazed to see how rich this idea of spiritual sight & blindness is in this passage!  God had more to talk to me about!  After Elisha prays for his servant to receive spiritual sight, he also prays for his physical enemies to be blinded.  He then tells them a simple lie: you're not where you think you are, and the person in front of you isn't who you think he is.  They, of course, in their blindness, just go along with him as he says he'll take them down the right path.  The language, actually, is that he LEADS them.  He leads them to the place HE wants them to go... their original plans and preparation are completely invalidated.  Their hopes & mission are completely cut off at the knees.  They're taken off course, and more than that, they are brought into a place of captivity.  

(There's a whole separate message in what happens after that, but one thing at a time!)  

I think the Lord's message for us includes BOTH of these pieces of the passage.  When the man of God can't SEE reality (because you know the warring angels are definitely part of the REAL picture), he fears.  And when those engaged in the battle can't see, when they are rendered blind, they are led astray; they're led away from the goal at which they had actually already arrived, and they allow themselves to be led into a place of captivity, bondage & powerlessness.  

We need sight.  Not just "insight," but vision for the people of God's church, vision for ourselves, and actually, as this is entirely germane to some things in my own life right now, I'm praying hard for vision for some of those closest to me!  We need to see the world with open eyes, whole vision and through eyes of faith.  We must believe in ALL the reality around us: God's power, His purposes, the warring angels with which He surrounds us, and the already-finished defeat of ALL that comes against us as His people.  

I was and still am praying for vision and standing firm against the areas of blindness by which we are needlessly bound.  I'm praying for revelation of the kingdom - present & future - the way GOD sees it.  I'm praying for Holy Spirit goggles.  Through truth comes empowerment, excitement, freedom and joy.  I'm praying for that.  As conquerors standing under the blood of Jesus, we have every right and reason to pray and trust in absolute victory and freedom.

What does God want you praying for today?  Where do you need a fresh revelation and eyes to see?  Ask Him.  He is with you!  And He is faithful!  I'm thanking Him today for your victory!

Learning to say, in every thing, "I thank You, Lord" has been one of the biggest and - I'm certain - most significant battles of my life.  I have, in many seasons, cried out to God saying, "Thank You, Lord!  Thank You!  I don't understand this, and it hurts so much, but I thank You, because I trust You and I know You're good!"  I have had to repeat this like a mantra through tears, through fears and much more... and still, I often have to include an admission of "I don't feel thankful right now, Father, but..." and just trust Him to work with my broken, fallen heart.  He always does.  I am absolutely convinced that, even though my emotions say otherwise at times, learning to speak out and grasp onto gratitude for His plans in EVERY circumstance has revolutionized my world - and my moments.  I am thankful once again for a God who changes my eternity, changes my life and also changes my day.  Praise You, Father!  And THANK YOU!

From Top to Bottom

Surprise surprise for a Monday... As I was reading this morning, a verse popped out at me - with a little thought tied to it.  This was the passage: "And Jesus uttered a loud cry and breathed his last.And the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And when the centurion, who stood facing him, saw that in this way he breathed his last, he said, 'Truly this man was the Son of God!'" (Mark 15:37-39, ESV).


What caught my attention was verse 38, in the middle there: "And the curtain of the temple was torn in tow, from top to bottom."  


I love it when the Word throws in some little detail that, at least with me, often is passed over without notice, and certainly without consideration.  And, then, out of nowhere, its existence suddenly catches my mind's eye, and a new revelation of God comes into my mind.  I love it.  God is so cool.  


So, what's my big revelation today?  Well, it may not be a "big" one really, but it's certainly significant, and no matter how often I re-receive this truth, it's always important.  The detail that caught my attention was that the veil was torn from TOP to BOTTOM.


The veil, or the temple curtain, was the symbol of separation between God & mankind.  The triumph of Jesus changed everything, and the separation that existed (as a result of sin) was mended and repaired by His death.  Jesus' death was His act of taking the punishment for sin, rather than than the justice for our many human failings being ours to individually bear.  He healed the rift with one amazing act.  And that rift was symbolized by the curtain, and at the moment of His death, the curtain was ripped into two pieces, destroyed and rendered meaningless.  And it was ripped from top to bottom.


I'm guessing many of you are getting where I'm headed by now; this repair, this action of reconciliation, of unification and healing was done.  Hallelujah, right?  This is, of course, a profoundly important truth and the very essence of what I hope my life celebrates day-by-day.  It's big.  But that small little detail - from top to bottom - is no less important.  Perhaps, on a daily basis, living in this life here on earth, that detail may be the one of which I need more reminding.


When I have a barrier in my life - a situation that won't resolve, a feeling that won't pass, a hurt that won't heal - I tend to try to wrestle it on my own.  Pretty much, though, I suck at trying to fix these things on my own.  It turns out, again and again, that I'm not fit for accomplishing God's jobs; I have no idea why this continues to surprise me.  


So, again today, I needed the reminder.  These things (all things) happen from the top down.  All the places in my life where I need healing, helping, repair and strength are His to accomplish.  Life changes, the really important ones, happen from the top down.  That leaves me free to simply trust His process, walk along behind Him (because sometimes there is work for me to do too!), and take His lead, knowing He'll work it out from the top.  It's amazing that when I let His approach to life be my approach to life, things seem to go much more smoothly - inside my head and heart, as well as on the outside.


Bless you all.  Let Him do His work, and trust Him.  He's worthy.  

Holiness is in the Practical

I have had the incredible blessing and honor of helping to lead a group of women in a discipleship course for the last nine months.  I've been through this course myself, and well, I knew going in that I'd be getting worked on as much as I'd be helping lead God's group...  this coming week is our final meeting.


Each week, I email the girls and give them an update on homework, memory verses, etc... this week, however, a little bit huge amount of self-sharing poured out...  What's below is an edited version of my email to the group.  It seemed like a great thing to share here, although it's a little more self-revealing than what feels totally comfortable.    At this point, though, I'm about as unashamed of my stuff as ever before, so here we go!

Oooh, oh oh oh oh...

I just told a friend this morning that God has hit me with something new in the last few days, and I think it may be what He's been working me up to for the last nine months... (although, as I also said to her, probably more like the last nine years or so, as I first came into recovery for my eating disorders 9 years ago).  God's calling me to give up perhaps the last (and in some ways the first) of the things I still knowingly let stand in between my heart and His.  And, I'm not afraid to admit to you all, I'm not exactly responding in a mature, submitted, gentle-hearted way.

I'll try to spare you all the lengthy details, but the long & short of it is that in this whole journey with my eating, I think I've learned some physical, medical, physiological, scientific things lately that have helped me to understand what is going on inside me... it's good research and blah blah blah, but it also rings true to my own experiences for the last 25 years and my Spirit has repeatedly responded with a little "nod" of acknowledgement.  I'm no biochemist, but for me, He's revealing some truths.  

The net result is that, in order to put an end to the ongoing harm I have been unknowingly doing to my body, I have some foods I need to give up - and probably give up 100% completely for at least 18 months until my body re-regulates some things.  At that point, I may be able to here and there have a tiny bit of these foods, but I'll never be able to eat them in a "normal" way again.  

I'm only a little ashamed to admit that, while I am concerned about the practicality and convenience factor of this path (especially for those with whom I frequently share meals and a few blessed loving souls who have lovingly taken on the challenge of preparing food for me), my biggest and most important internal reaction has been all about giving up these foods.  The short list includes sugar and all things metabolized as sugar... trust me when I say that's a LONG list of foods.  Even for someone who has already been not-eating gluten for years.  

So, I find myself standing at a cross roads and obedience, faith, trust and surrender.

If I had been diagnosed with epilepsy or another more widely-understood something, an official, disease, and someone said I needed to make some changes to live healthfully with the condition, it'd be a no-brainer to me.  It'd be time to accept and adapt.  Likewise, if my vice of choice for coping was something more "bad," in our culture, it'd be easier for me to make that same leap.  No one smiles and chuckles knowingly when people say, "You know, I have just had a terrible day!  I'm going to go take a hot bath and do some meth!"  But, hot bath + some ice cream to take the edge off?  You all know as well as I do how accepted that is.  And, really, maybe for many people (maybe most people!) a little ice cream to soothe isn't an idolatry issue.  For me, however, God is pointing at that ice cream (and french fries and etc etc) and saying, "Hey, you let this stand in between me and your absolute surrender."  The real question, I think, is whether or not I'm willing to give up the hard thing in order to be truly set-apart and more freed up to be His.  More His.  

I'm absolutely convinced that God is wooing my heart in a new way, and calling forth from me a new level of dedication...of consecration.  And, you know, I wanted to share with you guys, for whatever reason, that 1) I'm in this space and that 2) I could be a little more lovely about how I'm responding.  The first night after I felt sure confirmation of my suspicions that this was where I needed to go, I went and had bagels and animal crackers for dinner (things I won't be able to eat for the next 18 months at least).  Last night?  I made sure to eat some of the ice cream I was served, lots of it, actually.  And today, I had given my self a free-for-all pass until I knew I'd be able to write & post this thing....  I've given myself a bit of a "last hurrah" permission slip.  Not exactly the immediate jump to obedience I'd like to expect of myself, especially since I know I'm doing some physical damage in the meantime.  But, hey, I'm just telling you the truth.

So... anyway, I'm really not sure what the point of me sharing all this is, but I felt like I was supposed to.  The truth which I am starting to accept has a few layers: 1) I'm going to do this.  2) It's going to be an 18 month fast, and I'll take it from there.   3) I can't do this on my own.  And maybe more than anything else, I'm afraid of failing.  4) I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13), so the real question is whether or not I BELIEVE the Word of God.  If I do, then I just have to let Him be my strength.  He definitely has the strength to carry me through any journey - but especially one that He's directed and doubly especially when its purpose is to draw me closer to my beautiful, Holy Father.  As I've learned, discipleship isn't about knowing more about Jesus; it's about being more LIKE Him.  I'm guessing He was allowed to eat sugar, but I have no doubts about His many, much bigger sacrifices.  Oh mercy... in lieu of the recent reminders all over Holy week & Easter, I have fresh in my heart the taste of so much of His sacrifice.  And He did it so I could do this.  I think walking forward in obedience is the least I can do.  And it also feels like the most.  To say otherwise would be a lie.  But now I get to learn new lessons about leaning on His strength daily in a whole new way.  It'll be good.

Love you guys.

Excitement

Alright, first and foremost, I gotta do a cheesy thing.  I need to say that this post is a strange thank you to a dear friend of mine.  I'm not going to tell you who she is, because, c'mon, that'd just be embarrassing... BUT, I'm going to tell her who she is (well, you get what I mean), and let her know that that, lest a Carly Simon song pops into her mind, she really isn't vain; this post really is about her...



So, I have this friend, and she's one of my best besties, and she loves the Lord in a pure and amazing way, and her heart and mind thirst continually for new levels of understanding.  She taught me one of the best prayers I know: "Lord, show me what this scripture / truth / word looks like for me, because I don't get it." (I could wrote a whole separate treatise about that prayer alone!) But, more recently, she's taught me something new.

Actually, if I'm going to get stuck on accuracy (which apparently I am), she probably has been teaching me this lesson for years, but I think I'm just starting to learn it.  Funny how teaching and learning don't always coincide the way it seems they should...

My friend; she's got the joy.  And I mean it.  You meet this woman and you know she's got the joy just wiped all over her pretty little face.  It shines in her eyes, shows in her smile, and giggles out of her voice.  I kid you not; it's even in her hair.

Now, needless to say, I love this girl, and she is a wonderful friend in all ways.  And, as I'm pleased to say about all my closest friends, I have a lot to learn from her.  But here's one that's just descended like a halo in the last few months: the girl gets excited.

Now, any one who knows me (or has read a post or two here) knows that I'm fairly excitable.  I like exclamation point, smiley faces, dancing about in all sorts of unlikely places and shouting just about anything that seems worth shouting out to the world around me... but there is a world of difference between excitable and my already excited friend.

She looks at her life, and when she finds places of transition, uncertainty and the general shroud of mystery of which the Lord seems so very fond, she does an amazing thing.  She gets excited.  In a good way.

Do you know what I do when I see these things on my own horizon?  Well, quite frankly, usually, I panic.  I admit it freely; in my fleshly fleshly state, I so often see the gray area, the uncertain (or at least unknown to me) future and the questions as they loom large.  And I freak. I am clever enough to freak in a very composed, appropriate and, sometimes, even reverent way, but make no mistake about it; I don't always keep my cool.

The cycle usually looks like this: fear leads to panic (this step happens very quickly) and then, at some point, I usually identify that I'm having a lapse in faith and I start talking some truth to myself.  Or, when I'm smart enough to ask for help, one of the wonderful people in my life will speak some truth to me.  (Don't you just love it when the truth is like a bucket of cold water or a slap against the face?  One of those, "Good heavens, man!  Snap out of it!" slaps?  I do.)  In any case, after the truth-smackdown, I get pulled back up out of the miry clay, and I get to regain my footing and walk in faith again.

And although I cycle through that process more and more quickly these days (not to mention less and less frequently), I definitely still feel an instinct to retreat from the unknown, the gray area and the shrouded.  They just plain scare me.  So, the Lord is working on me in that area, and I think my friend is one of His teaching tools.

You know what she does when she sees a vast, empty expanse of unknown future ahead of her?  Like a crazy person, she gets excited.  Where I tend to see a heavy curtain obscuring the path ahead, she sees a blank canvas.  When I look out to the road and see only a few inches ahead of me, I tend to be frustrated and afraid.  I'm pretty convinced that she spends very little time thinking about the few inches of road at her feet; instead, she just walks forward and gets all wonderfully stoked for whatever is past those few bricks at her feet.  It's like she sees it as an exciting surprise coming her way; she doesn't know what it is, but she is certain it's going to be tons of fun.

Do you know what that is all about?  I think I do.  She believes Him.  She believes the Word.  I mean, she actually reads the words of God, believes He means it and that He means it for her.  And she lives into the truth in the way only someone who really, really, really believes in His goodness, faithfulness and power can do: unafraid.  It's incredible to watch, my friends.  It's beautiful.  And I want to be just like her when I grow up.

do have to believe Him when He tells me that it's good, and better than good.  It's abundant, and it's more than I could ever hope or imagine (see Ephesians 3:20).  Well, shucks.  That is kind of exciting now that I think about it.

I'm grateful for the example in my friend, and I'm going to keep opening my heart up to learn this lesson as a living truth all my own.  Maybe someday I, too, can have a mess of joy oozing out of every place.  I can't imagine that wouldn't be for His glory.  I mean, who doesn't want hair all gooey with the joy of Jesus?  I do.  I do, Lord!  Teach me!

Suffering, Endurance, Character & Hope

As I've recently written, I've undertaken a little challenge via the Living Proof Ministries Blog to, twice a month, thoroughly commit to memory a new verse.  We start new verses on the 1st & the 15th, and as the new verse dates approach, I  seek a word from God on what He'd like me to learn and let dwell in me richly (see Col 3:16).  You know He's got purposes aplenty to accomplish in this girl!  So far, I've had a verse surface each and every time I'm preparing to start a new one.  God knows what I need; I'm so glad He's willing to share the info.  :)


So, my verse for this half of April is actually a set of a few verses.  It'll be a longer passage for memory, but I think I can get it locked in my head.  For me, having the verse "click" in terms of meaning is the key to memory.  So, with that in mind, I've got some initial thoughts on the passage that lays before me, my task for the next couple weeks: Romans 5:3-5 from the ESV.


"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."


I've come across this verse before, and remember finding it a puzzling logical track.  Suffering leads to hope? Uhhh...really?


Well, you know, I believe the Word is absolute truth and absolutely true, but I am not afraid to say right here and now that I find that logical leap to be a bit of a mystery.  So far.  I look forward to the next two weeks.  Task one: word study.  I know enough to know that I probably don't know what suffering, endurance, character and hope really mean (although, regulars here will know I've done some study on hope in past musings, thoughts and posts).


I'm sure I'll be popping in here to share what I'm discovering as I journey!  For whatever reason, though, I wanted to loop y'all in on the front end of this discovery process.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and insights or - better yet - experiences of learning this passage in your life!  Comments always welcome on the blog!  


You are blessed; show it to the world today!

What His Way Yields...

I have a memory verse I've been trying to memorize for a month.  I'm part of a group online in which each of us commit to learning a new memory verse on the 1st & 15th of each month; each person picks her own verse, and shares it via "comment" and then we go from there.  My verse from March 1st was Psalm 86:11 in the NIV: "Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart that I may fear Your name."

However, when March 15th rolled around, I still hadn't really committed this verse to memory... so I gave myself a do over; my verse for March 15th was Psalm 86:11 in the NIV: "Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart that I may fear Your name."

If you are good at calendars, you may notice that, as I write this, it's nearly time for me to find and commit to a new verse.  And with April quickly approaching, I knew I better get this baby memorized before it was time for a do-over do-over.

Then, tonight, for no reason of which I'm aware, I suddenly read the verse in a totally new way.  I'm going to use the magic of italics to see if I can convey how it hit me:

"Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart that I may fear Your name."

For the last month, I've been reading this verse, and honestly, focusing primarily on the second half.  As I continue to identify and depose the idols in my life and heart, I was caught by the idea of asking God for an undivided heart.  I love that concept!  My heart can be so divided; this much I know.  

And until tonight, the first part of the verse was sort of just introductory stuff.  Poetry or the rote type of stuff that is all over the Bible.  I hate to admit it, but I often read the Bible and find much of its truth falling without a second thought into the "nice Bible stuff" folder in the side drawer of my brain.  

Thank goodness I'm not limited to my own natural tendencies (see side drawer filing system noted in previous paragraph).  Tonight, the Holy Spirit taught me a new insight about this verse.  The first part of the prayer is a request to be taught God's way.  All month long, I bet I would have told you that it was God's "ways" - plural.  I was thinking of it in terms of generalities: "teach me how You work."  And, of course, this is a worthwhile prayer!  BUT that's not what I see here tonight.  Suddenly, realizing that this verse reads [singular] "way" put the idea of a specific context, incident or situation in my mind.  

I imagined myself looking up at my Father, in the midst of my own trials and temptations to fear and doubt...and in the midst of that saying, "God, show me how You want this to look!  Show me YOUR way to do this thing!  Show me YOUR way to do this conversation or this waiting or this service."  The most beautiful part tonight, however, is what came next.  Inherent in the verse was the "if this, then that" truth I needed tonight.  "Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness...."  When I look to the Lord for His way to do life, and when I ask for His instruction and when I walk in His discipleship, I don't have to trust in my own understanding, or in those around me, or in the "odds" or anything else.  I get to trust in, rely on and rest in His faithfulness.  And the Lord is faithful absolutely.  

As many times as I learn it, this lesson never ceases to be surprisingly new and fresh to my spirit; I hope that never changes.

Tonight, in my own deep dark crevices and cracks of life, I'm asking You, God, to show me Your way to walk this one out.  I thank You that I can trust in Your teaching, in Your faithfulness to teach it and in all that will flow from there.  Thank You, Lord for being who You are!

Resolved to being born again...

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I was thinking about the fact that allowing God to renew me - mind, body, heart & soul - requires a certain amount of commitment & resolve. In the abstract, His renewal and transformation sound like a great plan...but when it comes to walking that out, and making space for His work, I sometimes find myself truly challenged.

What I'm learning is that if I want to surrender results to Him, I also have to surrender the space in which the prep work happens. Sometimes this is space in my day, space in the construction of my life and, almost always, space inside my will & heart.

So, looking back at Romans 12:2, I see a tip: the word "pattern" jumps out at me. I think about the patterns in my thinking and in my behavior, the patterns in my emotional responses and reactions. This verse tells me that, in order to be transformed, I need to stop conforming to these patterns; I need to break out of the mold of my own life. I need to submit my actions to His will, and He does the transformation. That submission (oh, the "s-word!) is the key. And it's in the small, finite, one-at-a-time decisions that I submit. It's not a theory; it's a practice. And yes, I definitely need practice in order to get better at it.

Thankfully, the promised outcome is worth the resolve. One little day at a time!

Follow the Leader

For a variety of reasons, I've been thinking more and more lately about letting God take the lead in new ways in my life. I've been learning and thinking and praying and studying about letting Him lead, and doing life His way. I've been learning about following Jesus. All told, I have a lot to learn, but I've come a few paces in the last few weeks, and I'm grateful. These meditations of my heart led to my inspiration for this writing. It's been awhile since I've been on this blog, and I think that's okay. I suppose it'll be an occasional thing for now. God's leading. I'm just along for the ride.

So, speaking of segues...

I've been thinking of the game "Follow the Leader" lately. Remember that one? Recess, circa 3rd grade? Tons of fun? Yeah, that's the one.

I've got this strange mental picture gelling in my mind... it's a line of children marching around a school yard. One of the kids is wearing a paper crown, and carrying a scepter made from a straw and some yarn. No idea why, but the yarn is clear in my mind's eye.

Anyway, this little boy, he's the leader and the kids trailing behind him, in various states of joviality are following along. Even the song - maybe from a Disney movie? - is playing softly in the background... "We're following the leader, the leader, the leader...We're following the leader, wherever he may go!"

So, I realize this is a delightful story, but what's the point, right?

Well, here's where I'm at with all this. God is encouraging me and teaching me that my life can look a lot more like that playground game than it has been. And I'll tell you what, I'm starting to really like the idea.

First, let's talk about being attentive. Think of kids on the playground, think of them playing this game... what are they focused on? No child in the scene in my head is trying to peer around the other kids to see where the leader is going. The little ones don't stand in line, worrying that the leader isn't taking a good path. They're not scoping out the eventual destination or landing point. They're busy trying to make sure they're doing a good job of following. Where God is going, and the path He's going to take to get there is none of my business, so to speak. He's very gentle with me, and so compassionate toward my human heart, and He gives me all kinds of mile-markers as we go, but the things I tend to get so wrapped up in: "where are You taking me, Lord?" And "Which path are you taking to get there?" really need be none of my concern. I'm learning to really internalize this idea of those kids on the playground. They're just having fun following along. And their attention is on the following.

Some more, um, advanced versions of follow the leader include mimicking the exact mannerisms of the kid at the front of the line. If he kicks to the left in front of the fence, all the kids in line are supposed to the same. If he jumps up and down, and does a little spin at the side of the pavement, we're all supposed to carry on in kind. So, if I'm following my leader, if I'm watching Jesus in the sights of my life, my attention needs to be not only on taking the path He takes, but on walking it the way He walks it. Following a leader is not only about going His way, but doing things the way He does them. Oh friends, there are so many levels to this truth, and God is painting them all over my heart and life right now!

There's one more thing...

Kids involved in the game, how do they seem to you as you imagine them? Sullen? Fearful? Anxious? No, probably not. They're having fun. In fact, the little image God's put on my heart has kids not only having fun, but thrilled to be engaged in the adventure, and (dare I say it?) the challenging excitement of doing things someone else's way! This part of the big picture lesson here is no less important than the first.

He came to give you & I freedom. He died so that you & I could live in freedom. Freedom. The idea of singing and jaunting around the playground of life, worrying only about imitating the next step and not about the when, where, how or which way of life seems pretty free to me. In fact, it seems gloriously released. Released from all the stuff of life, all the heaviness of trying to come up with some plan. He knows the plans He has for us. And it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. I'm not sure many of us could honestly say we don't see that truth play out in our lives again and again - as long as we're looking. And the challenge I feel in my heart is not only to receive the correction and keep my eyes on my own feet, on following the next steps, but also to embrace the adventure of it! To live with excitement and anticipation in the freedom of His good grace and splendid plans for me!

The God who created all isn't wandering aimlessly at a whim about the universe of our lives. He is carefully and masterfully helping orchestrate the most amazing reality you or I could possibly imagine - all because He loves us and delights in us. I see it so clearly as I type this out. His hope is that I, too, would delight in Him...that I would let go of all the earthy garbage I let get in the way of my game, and that I would run free and elated in His playground! He is at the head of the line, and He is going somewhere wonderful! My job is only to come up behind Him and enjoy the game!

Who

There are a lot of important "who" questions in my pursuit of a life loving Jesus, but there's one that really has been speaking to me over the last 24 hours or so: who am I?

I don't mean this in a vague, teen-angst ridden way. I mean it as a question of my identity, my being. There are, of course, a plethora of ideas and teachings and wonderful truths out there about who I am in Christ, and while I value very, very much the impact of those truths in my own life, that's not even my focus today.

My focus is on the things that make me different from others, the features of my personality and my being that God put in place just for me, and the ways in which He designed me and created me. I'm talking about the things that make me me.

In a devotional shared with me last night, one of the ideas raised was the idea of standing strong in who I am and then trusting it's okay, and letting the responses (and perhaps reactions) of other people be something that is only for them to deal with, not me.

Now, there is, of course, a whole modern pop-culture attitude of, "I am who I am and if you don't like it, that's too darn bad and your problem." I'm not talking about that either. I am talking about living into, with confidence, the essence of who God created me to be - with grace, with peace and with quiet, kind strength. Just saying, without any unkindness, I am this. And letting that just sit there.

I am probably not alone in knowing that sometimes I slightly modify or curtail my personality because of the situation or setting in which I find myself. Different people bring out different sides of me, and dependent upon the roles in a larger group, I sometimes find myself feeling more one way or another. But sometimes, I also decide just to not say or do or be the thing or way I might be without a filter...simply because I'm considering how someone else might respond or reaction. For reasons I cannot quite explain, the judgment of others seems a terrifying prospect at times.

But my thought is this: God made me who I am. And perhaps the best way to appreciate and love Him is to appreciate and love His creation - exactly the way it is...or, rather, exactly the way I am.

There is freedom in embracing my true self. And I'm certain this is because, at the core, what I'm doing is embracing God's design for me.

So, my focus on "who" today, is on who I am. And in allowing God's true plans for me to unfold by letting His design be brightly shone... without fear. Or, at the very least, in spite of it.

What...

Here's today's topic: What matters?

I was just venting tonight about some frustrations I'm feeling in a certain area of my life. I feel worn down and tired with the situation, and I feel helpless to effect real change in it overall. I feel angry at others involved who (in my view) are not helping to ameliorate the situation and lastly I feel unheard. Those who could make some significant impact on the course of events aren't behaving in the way that I think would be best.

Now, please have some grace with me and let's leave behind all the arrogance and self-focus in the paragraph above.

As I talked this out tonight, I was listening to myself and had to come to one conclusion. To make a difference, to be the light of the world, to live a breathing testimony, I need to be in a different head space. I need to focus on what really matters.

This situation is frustrating. Yes. Okay. And?

The situation is not within my immediate control. Okay. And?

This situation may last for awhile. Ah, shucks...bummer. But okay. And? What else?

Well, the what else is that be those facts as they may, they still are what they are for now. And while I think it's okay and healthy to vent to my confidants about such things, if I stay focused there, I miss my opportunities for impact...and am likely to also exponentially increase the likelihood that I will cause some harm or damage to my testimony, rather than glorify God in my being.

So, now what? Well, the what is that I focus on what matters. I focus on what is. And I focus on what is demonstrated to those in my path. I am not the only one frustrated in this matter; this I know for sure. I am not the only one with legitimate concerns; it's actually quite the contrary. So, rather than focus on my own agenda, my own frustration & my own feelings of injustice and aggravation, what if I chose on focusing on the what that matters: what I can do and what story my actions tell.

I could focus on the frustration of those I am interacting with. I could focus on how I could help them, even in small ways. I could focus on grace. I could focus on remembering that we live before a great cloud of witnesses - and that's not only in the heavenly realm. And I can focus on bringing glory to His name.

I've said it many times, and again in recent writings here, but I will say it again: I want others to look to me and see God. I want them to realize there's something different. I want them to sense in a place past their reason that His Spirit makes my day different than it could be otherwise. I want them to feel His love, to feel His care and His grace. And those things can come through me, if I let Him work... and that means focusing on what matters. Focusing on what He calls me to - every day. I'm not called to love only on days when I feel up to it. I'm called to be a living sacrifice and follow in His footsteps. Without these daily sacrifices, it's hard to even begin to be living as Jesus did. So, I will surrender my right to be focused on ME for today. And instead, I will focus on His plan, His will, His "what."

Where

An easy question that I think I have had a lot of confusion about in the past is where to start. And I mean in the pursuit of a life following Christ. Where do I begin?

I lose my way all the time, and there are (thankfully!) a hundred different places to start. Most simply, I start where I am. But then where do I go?

After reading my writing about why I get up in the morning, a friend asked, "How do I do it if I don't feel like I have the strength to love? How do I get to where you are?" Her question prompted the answer that has become today's post about where:

"I say this with love: you're starting with the wrong premise. You don't start by trying to love others. You start by working on receiving His love. And, believe me, if you're anything like me, it can a lot more work than loving others. Your primary task is to be in relationship with Him. That should be your primary goal: to know Him more, to learn Him better.

Pray. Read the Bible. Seek solid teaching. Search for Him. You will find Him.

He does all the rest.

Seriously.

You don’t need strength. The Bible teaches us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness He'll take you just the way you are.

And do amazing things with your life.

You just have to let Him have it.

And then receive what He gives in return.

It's harder than it sounds. It's not all pretty flowery loveliness. It's work sometimes. I know I am nearly certain sometimes that I don't deserve His love or that I have to earn it somehow.

That's a lie. I don't.

You don't.

Sometimes, I'm convinced, He allows our hearts to break so that we have a crack we can allow Him into.

Not saying that His purpose is about allowing you to hurt...but I am saying it's a worthwhile use for the breakage."

And that’s where you start. With the broken places, and letting Him have them – wholesale. And the rest is His work flowing outward. He does it. I just get to be along for the ride.

The "Why"

After having written a few posts about “how,” I’ve been led down an interesting path: question words. Today we talk about the “why.”

I had a friend ask me, “Why do you wake up in the morning? Why do people get up in the morning?”

In the midst of answering here, I managed to get to a clear answer for myself. I realized that, not unlike the how questions, the why questions are incredibly important. I need to know why so I can share it; it’s a part of my witness and testimony. Here is what I shared:

“I know it sounds cheesy, but I really do like my life. And even on the days when I don't feel like I like my life, I trust God. Truly. I BELIEVE with every ounce in me that He has good plans for me, and that He is fulfilling them in me day by day and through me. My purpose is to point to Him in whatever ways I can and let others see Him and go, "Wow, that's good. He is good."

And that is not only incredibly gratifying, but it's incredibly worthwhile.

Sometimes that looks like me loving the heck outta my boyfriend - by just doting on him, or sometimes by calling him out on things... both can be loving actions. Sometimes it means showing up for a friend. Sometimes it means kicking butt at my job and letting people know that I believe God is the one who's given me my abilities.

My purpose is to love.

Love you. Love my honey. Love my parents, my family... love those little nieces, and love my employees and co-workers and staff. And strangers in the grocery store and waiters and everyone.

I can't do it all at once, but I can do it because He loves me and when I focus my attention on letting HIS love be the source for everything, there is abundance and overflow and I can't help but love people a little better and a little more than I could on my own.

And that brings glory and pleasure to God, and that's enough.

But for my human side, it also brings pleasure to me.

Pleasure in knowing I can help a niece when someone else might not know what to say, or that I can share encouragement with a frustrated co-worker. Or that I can support my man in his pursuit of a dream.

It's not about me. But it feels good to me.

And the more I do it, and the more I decide to do it - even when I don't feel like it - the more growing closer to God pays off. And it's out of that wealth of joy that He alone brings that I can get up every day and say, "Yes, this day is good."

Even on days when I might have to say it through tears. As preachy as I hope I don't sound, it is true. When I really made that decision to surrender my heart to Christ, 100%, with no holds barred... everything changed. I changed. Life changed. My heart changed. And it all changes more and more every day. He changes me. He renews minds and restores hearts. He puts together broken things and binds up hurting wounds. That's what Jesus came for. That was the entire WHY. To fix our brokenness.

And when I let Him, and the more I let Him, the more I truly do feel like I could practically jump out of bed every day. Not that I do. And sometimes I don't want to get out of bed at all. But a lot less than I used to. Almost never. I have to start by saying thank You. And acknowledging Him for who He is.

He is the Restorer, Redeemer, Healer and FRIEND.

And He makes life worth living. It's a pretty nifty trick.

So, I guess I'll finish with, "I get out of bed because He loved me enough to put me on earth so that I could." Everything else flows out of that.”

My How To

I wrote Friday about the importance of being able to understand and articulate our own methods of living by faith, what it means and the practical aspects of living it out day-by-day.

I started my rambling post discussing the current case-in-point for me: learning to surrender the idol of my own road map and yielding full guidance to God.

So, how do I?

Well, for me, every time I feel frustration rising with my own foiled plans, or even when I just start thinking about them and making plans in my own mind, I make sure to ask for help! More than anything else, I ask for help! Sometimes that help means I seek out a friend and ask for good wise and Godly counsel; often it means I ask a friend to listen. Always it means I turn to the Lord and ask for His help. I know I can't cast down an idol of my own power any more effectively than I can do anything else.

I also say I'm sorry. I tell the Lord that I see my own sin and I affirm my sincere desire to live according to HIS ways. And I ask (again) for His help and leading.

Sometimes I just talk my way through His approach. I have a small mental stack of verses that I plow through - often aloud. I find it really helps. I affirm my belief that He knows the plans He has for me, and that they are plans to prosper me (Jer 29:11). I affirm my belief that He works all things together for my good (Rom 8:28). And I thank Him for the truth that, while there are many plans in the hearts of man, it is the Lord's purpose that prevails (Prov 19:21).

And then I praise and thank Him...lavishly if I can. I thank Him for who He is, and for what He does for me. And again and again, I THANK Him for being bigger than I am, for knowing more than I do. I thank Him for showing me my errors and for being willing to Love me again and again. I thank Him for being right and for teaching me. I thank Him for frustrating me; it's how I learn. I thank Him for knowing what I need, and I thank Him for making sure I am not cheated. I thank Him for loving me enough to help me learn things the hard way - in those situations where no other method seems to be working. And finally, I thank Him for being who He is: trustworthy, in charge and always looking out for my best interests.

My heart changes when I pray. My heart changes when I pray scripture. And the whole world changes when I let Him change my heart. And that is my how-to.

How to "how to"?

In years past, I have spent much energy being frustrated with a lack of instruction. I would read books or listen to sermons that would espouse all sorts of direction about the ideals of life, the guidance of the word and the importance of the pursuit of righteous living. Yet, so often, I would leave these times of teaching with a feeling that what was said was great, and that I agreed with it (mentally), but that I had absolutely no idea how to do it...how to live it, or live into it.

As I've been writing this blog, I've learned that it is really really easy to prattle on about what I am personally pursuing, without ever giving thought to mentioning the how.

In part, what I have learned is that the "how" is something I sometimes have to figure out for myself. Sometimes, my "how" looks completely different from the how of a friend. We each have our own paths, our own relationships with God and our own selves. So, sometimes, the how is wholly unique.

At the same time, I have learned that there are many good teachers who share about their own approaches and that, sometimes, my approach is influenced and shaped by using theirs as a guidepost.

With that in mind, I've been looking lately at my own realization that I had put a lot of faith in my own plans, and not put much energy toward the Lord's direction in one particular area of my life. I simply wasn't conceding control to Him; I had not yet come to that place of yield. Or, rather, I'd perhaps been there, but had packed up my things and carried on my merry way alone for some time now.

I've continued to write & pray about how important it is that I repent (simply: stop & reverse course). Yet, I have been asking myself, "How do I do that?" What does it look like?

So, this will be a two-part posting... First, today, I want to focus on the importance of understanding and sharing my own how-to.

When I walk through the halls of my (largely unbelieving) office, the halls of my home, or even the halls of my church, I have a million opportunities to demonstrate to others what it means to be a follow of Jesus. And I could wax poetic for hours about the amazing impact that decision has had on my life and how valuable it is every day. Yet, if there is no clear way for me to share with someone how they can do that too, I lose a lot of opportunity for effective witness.

It's often discussed that we, as believers, ALL should know how to share about our faith and lead others towards Christ and salvation. Yet, many of us feel intimidated by and afraid of this prospect. Our pastor at church likes to say, "if you don't know how to tell someone about Jesus, just invite them to church and I'll do it for you!" His offer is a generous one; many of us don't know how. And I fully admit that, at times, I have no idea myself.

What I will say is that I have found it much more effective to tell someone what I have done and how it has worked for me, rather than telling them what they should do. I admit 100% that I have no real idea what's "best" for me in the big picture of life, and I wouldn't put on the airs of saying I could tell you what's best for you either. That's not really my job in many ways. What I can do, however, is tell you where I've been, tell you how Jesus has changed my life and tell you what it looks like for me to follow Him today...and of course, what that means for my life and its direction on a daily basis. And hopefully I can live out for you in a million ways the blessing of living committed to Him.

I find that this method of communication is also much better received. When I am telling you about me, I come from a place of sincere humility. This is just my story. If I start to tell you what you should do, I step into a place I'm not often supposed to be. So I try not to go there. Don't get me wrong; we all have advice and wisdom to share, and that kind of relationship is part of the picture of friendship, love and commitment demonstrated in the Bible. I just try to keep proper perspective about how I live that out.

So, if you've been kind enough to forgive my rambling, I will wrap up for today. I invite you to consider the "how" of your faith. What does it look like? In your outward practice (quiet time, church attendance, service, etc)? How does it impact the way you make decisions? The way you prioritize your time? The way you look at the world around you - in micro view? These are the things that, when demonstrated, are powerful witness to the world around us. When demonstrated and then articulated to an inquiring friend, they can help clarify things that it may otherwise take much more seeking to understand.

So, I ask you to consider...how? How do you do it?

It's Not About Me

So, as many of you know, I've been writing a lot lately about waiting on God. And, as is always the case, the things I'm writing about a lot are the things I'm also thinking and praying about a lot. A lot. A loooot.

:)

And recently, I had yet another of revelation. I have to admit that I pause before I write this. This "revelation" I'm about to share about seems so elementary in hindsight. But, really, in all-sight, I am so elementary. So I guess it is what it is!

I was recently praying about and reflecting upon my understandings of the ways in which I've made my own best plans an idol. I had been relying upon them so heavily and trusting in them. I had taken (initial) direction from the Lord and plowed ahead without much surrender to His ways on the daily path to His appointed destination.

And what I recognize now as a natural by-product of that approach to life has been an under-the-surface, but persistent certainty that the reason things weren't going the way I thought they should was because I was somehow inadequate.

Many times, I've had to recognize a belief that something God wasn't doing was NOT because God was waiting for me to "get it right" before He'd love or bless me. Now, don't get me wrong; I do believe that persistent sin can stand in the way of persistent blessing. However, it is contrary to the Word and nature of God to believe that He punishes me for my inadvertent human failings.

This lately realization, however, wasn't focused on my actions. I wasn't thinking that because I'd done something "wrong," God was withholding His hand. Rather, I realized that my not-quite-articulated internal belief was that God was doing something to me (and yes, I use the phrase "to me" intentionally) because I, in the very essence of my being, was not good enough. I was believing a lie (straight from the pit!) that because I was not "good enough" (and yes, for me, that lie is always just some vague reference to general shortcoming), God wasn't going to take care of me.

Ick.

Like I said, a lie straight from the pit. God's word is FULL of affirmation that He loves us in spite of our fallen state, and in fact, nearly every act chronicled in the Bible centers on His action-packed pursuit of a loving relationship with us, despite our fallen, messed up, imperfect state. He loves me. And just as I love others, I would not withhold my help from them simply because I am repelled by their imperfection. And God does not treat me or you this way either.

I was grateful for the reminder. He came so that I might have life, and have it in abundance. No holds barred. The only caveat is that I commit my heart to Him, surrender to His ways and believing Him fully - day by imperfect day!

Expecting You

As those of you who've been reading the last week or two will know, I'm in the middle of a little bit of a revelatory period here. I'm seeing an important area of my life in which I've been holding onto control and focusing my attentions on a plan of my own design.

I was praying about the wholesale change I need God to help create in my heart and life in order to grow into a greater place of surrender to and dependence on His plans and His designs. I've realized that much of what makes it difficult to surrender and truly embrace His plans is a lack of trust. I feel afraid that His plan won't be as "good" as mine, or that I won't get what it is that I think I want and need as it unfolds.

Of course, these fears are unfounded...in fact, even more than being unfounded, they are flatly contrary to the truth of the Word. Yet, fear (as the absence of faith) is just that, is it not?

So, I started praying and realizing I needed to grab onto hope to get me to the place of really grabbing onto and embracing belief. I started to think about the use of the word "hope" in the Bible. This is a concept I've written about before, and love. The hope of the Bible is a hope not of wishing and wondering, but instead of expectation. And as I prayed, I realized the thing I "hoped" for more than all else was for the Lord's will, the Lord's way and His hand. The wonderful truth about this desire is that I am absolutely guaranteed that I can hope in FULL expectation of Him!

So, for today (and every day!) that is my prayer - for full expectant, overflowing, busting at the seems hope of His will, His plan and His way. I know He delivers - right on time, every time. Hallelujah!

I'll Take it From Here, part 2

I'm going to start where I left off yesterday... if you missed it, check out this post to get yourself oriented: Part 1.

So, that gem of a verse from Proverbs? It's no surprise to me that I've found it necessary to memorize this one. Ah the Spirit knows my heart and guides me where I need to go! Check out the translation from The Message: "We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails." I actually had to laugh when I first read that version. Ain't that the truth!

So, here's where I have found myself to be: I listened for God's will as to my destination, and once He supplied it, I went a little outlaw and worked primarily off my own best ideas and plans. And, as I've written about earlier this week, I even found myself nearly irate when God didn't seem to be complying with all the plans I'd made.

I realized that my anger and frustration were rooted in that idol I've shared about: my plan. "But this is not according to the plan!," my heart cries out. "Whose plan?," asks the Spirit. "Well, mine."

Ah yes. I keep brainstorming options and plans, but I'm not the only one with a plan: "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11, NLT)

Oh heavenly God, I am so grateful for Your plans! And thankful that even when I say, "I'll take it from here," and then find myself wandering in the wilderness, You are forgiving enough to say, "Now I will take you from here," and You pick me up and lead me aright again.

Thank You, Father, for Your grace. Help me to desire Your will AND Your way. Lord, conform my plan to Yours and let me depend on You for leading in every step.

I'll Take it From Here, part 1

Many of you know that Hebrews 11:8 has been a favorite of mine for a long time: "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."

What has appealed to me about this verse is the reminder that, even though I may have no idea the directions in which God is leading me, I can follow Him faithfully and, later, I trust in the fact that the unknown place to which He is leading will be my inheritance of joy and promise. I've put a lot of energy and effort (as longer term readers will know!) into stepping forward into the unknown and embracing His faithfulness as my promise of security in the way told of in this very verse.

But oh how subtle and tricky life can be! Or how dense, perhaps, my little human mind can be! I've recently uncovered a new area in my life where I need to apply similar principles to those used when stepping, on faith, into the unknown. The difference is just subtle enough that I, in my headstrong self-reliance, have managed to miss it for quite some time now. And all the while, I've just been stepping deeper and deeper into that trap that comes when I start to trust in my own ways.

Though they sometimes feel few & far between, there are areas in life in which I've felt God step in and say, "Hey, this is where I'm taking you. The destination looks like this." A friend summarized my own situation perfectly when she said, "It's like you took that direction and said, 'Okay, great. Thanks for the end-point. I'll just go ahead and take it from here.'"

I have to stop and observe that my frequent prayer (like many of you, I'm sure) is for God's direction in my life. Yet, when I think about that, I have to laugh. In some ways, I have listened only long enough to hear information about the target-point. Yet, that's not really all of it, is it? When I ask a friend for directions to her house, I generally expect more than the name of the subdivision or neighborhood. I'm saying, "Alright, I see that I'm coming to your home. Now, how do I get there?" Yet, with the Lord, in some pretty important areas, I've done a terrible job of asking "How do I get there?" Once He's said, "You're heading to this place," I've just gone on my merry way.

And yet...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

And Hallelujah for that truth! (Although, I admit, it's that same truth that - at times - has frustrated me to distant end!)

So, then what? Then I wait on the Lord. Lord, I ask not only where we are going, but how it is You should like me to get there. Guide me, Friend & Father, guide me!

My Plan the Idol

I found myself getting really frustrated with God recently, and I knew this had to be pointing to some sort of rebellion in me. And really, it's not like it's that subtle of an issue to ferret out. When I'm unhappy with the way God is doing something, it means my heart is not submitted to His ways of doing...well, everything.

In my particular example, I've been really frustrated with the timing on a particular issue. And I know I'm not the only one who has issues like this come up regularly. And I can come up with a million rationalizations or excuses ("Well, so-and-so has been really busy" or "Oh the wheels of corporate America run slowly", etc), but the bottom line is that God is in charge of ALL timing...decisions of family, schedules of friends and even the wheels of corporate America. And so, my beef was with God.

I came quickly to a realization that I needed to get that rebellious attitude in check immediate, and thankfully He is gracious to help me do just that. As I started looking deeper at this issue, however, I realized that my frustration was rooted in a sense that my plans were being foiled again and again - by God. No wonder I was angry! I was viewing God as my opponent - and He is a fierce competitor!!

I realized that my "plan" had become my idol. I had put so much faith and energy into it; I had hung my hopes on it. And each time the mental milestones had been bypassed or missed or routed entirely, my own human nature would just work to create a new, revised version of "the plan." This planning happens almost automatically and unconsciously for me; it is so much a part of my own personal nature. And each time I had to revamp the plan, I got frustrated. I might as well have been calling out to the heavens, "Hey! I'm working on something here! Do you mind?!?!"

It's a wonder it took me so long to hear what I think God as (essentially) been calling back down to me, which is: "Hey, I'm working on something here! Do you mind?"

Until He decides to take next steps, I am going to be getting a lot of practice surrendering this one. Each time I start walking through the plan, mentally working on contingencies (which I do a lot!), I'm going to have to stop and cast this one down again. Thanks for being with me on the journey!