Will Pray for Mustard Seed

The story recounted in the middle of Matthew 17 has always been troubling for me:

"When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. "Lord, have mercy on my son," he said. "He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him."

"O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me." Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment.

Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:14-20 (NIV)

At different times, I've read this story different ways. I admit that, in times of arrogance, I've read it and thought, "How can even the disciples be lacking faith? Wow...those guys really had some issues!" :)

What usually strikes me most though is this address from Jesus: "O unbelieving and perverse generation...." I've generally read this as a condemning and (honestly) sort of harsh thing for Jesus to say. I've felt little pokes at my heart as I've read it and seen myself in the unbelief of the apostles, and then some!

This weekend, however, I was given a new insight.

I was talking with a friend this weekend, and we were talking about the ways in which it's so easy for us to mistrust and doubt God. I was talking about my almost compulsive desire to try to control, and reflecting on how much that says about my lack of faith (at times) in God's hand and provision.

As a way of demonstrating the far reaches of my human impulse to try to control and orchestrate, I was commenting on how different my life is today than it was 10 years ago. I even got choked up as I stopped to really think about how different. Friends, I tell you truly that no one, no one would or could have predicted I'd be today where I am in my life. And on that list of folks who would have guessed my thirtieth year would be anything but peaceful and submitted, I'd have been at the top of the list. It is in my own life, more than anywhere else, that I have seen the true miracles and power of God's hand and intervention in our lives.

I commented to my friend that only God could have or would have known that I could be where I am today, a child of His own heart, standing tall in the Light of His love. It was in that moment that my new insight knocked the breath right out of me.

As I'd been talking about all the ways and places in which I consciously and unconsciously fear a lack of God's faithfulness, I'd stopped to remember all He has done for me. And that juxtaposition, that stark contrast...it made me realize just how Jesus could, in probable exasperation say, "Oh, you perverse and unbelieving heart..." I didn't hear it in my heart with a spirit of frustration or blame anymore, but with a spirit of disbelief and marvel at how a heart like mine, with SO much proof in its own stockpiles, could still...still...doubt God's hand in and plan for my life. It makes my own unbelief startling to me, and twisted. I don't say this with a spirit of condemnation for myself, nor with an attitude of making excuses. I am just reminded at how much and how thoroughly the devil can and will try to twist our minds. Perverse suddenly seems like such an apt word...what a surprise.