Squirming

I was engaged in some heavy-duty conversation last night, and a dear friend of mine was lamenting the challenges of making relationships really work. We were discussing the hard work of being fully honest, vulnerability and speaking up at times and in ways that are frightening or intimidating. It has been my experience, in any case, that the most worthwhile relationships in my life have also taken some of the largest doses of courage and strength.

My friend made an off-handed, only half-serious comment, the basic gist of which was, "Well, maybe we're not meant to be in those relationships - you know, the ones where it's hard." My friend wasn't serious, but I did have to smile. "My theory," I said, "is that a certain degree of challenge in my fulfilling relationships is simply a sign that God loves me."

My friend looked at me strangely (you might be looking at your computer with much the same facial expression!).

"As I see it," I said, "the relationships that take the most from us - when they're relationships that are worthy of the energy - also happen to be those that grow and develop us the most."

I use the qualifier about relationships that are worthy of the energy, because I know I'm not the only one who's willfully delved into relationships that were not in God's will for me...relationships that shirked His instructions and (I thought) fulfilled my own plans and desires. That type of relationship has also been hard. But, for me, it's a different type of difficult. The pain and aggravation of one of these self-propelled relationships was often caused by the existence of the relationship itself, and were largely in response to ungodly behavior or circumstances by one party or the other (yes, sometimes that "ungodly" person was me!). In these relationships, I found my heard wrenching again and again.

By contrast, rather than feeling like I've been wrenched in some way, healthy relationships in which I choose to really "dig deep" and show up usually leave me feeling like I'm squirming a bit. There's discomfort, yes. And some truth and honesty is painful in its own way...but, even with all that being true, there is a release in all of it. And the journey bears its own price again and again. That type of honesty and intention leads to a greater understanding of God, a truer commitment to Christ's ideals and a greater ability, for me, to lay down my self and seek after Him.

So, I guess my summary here is that, at least in my experience, wrenching is not good. But squirming just shows I'm living into God's will. Many great Bible teachers have spoken at length about the need to push past our comfort zones. A great pastor at my church recently remarked that our comfort zones "aren't places we were meant to live; they're places we're meant to rest." And I know Beth Moore has said that, if you're not being stretched into some sort of discomfort in your relationships, you're living in a world that is too small. Jesus stretched. Ah, I could probably write days on that alone. Can you imagine? Do you think Jesus' days were comfortable in almost any way? Thanks to the grace of our Father, His resolve was able to remain firm. Yet, I suspect, He probably had days where even He wanted to squirm a bit too...